Happy Valentine's Day

12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????
2/14/16 - 287 pounds



If you read my blog last week, you know I didn't weigh in last week after being away for a girls weekend.  This week I did weigh in and I am down 4 pounds.  I am very pleased with this number because I know I haven't been on point with my food.  I have not been over eating at all, but I haven't been preparing my food like I typically have been.

This week coming up will be another battle.  I am in New York City for work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.  I will be in a training from 8am-5pm each day.  I will be eating out for every meal.  My hotel does have a gym though, so I am happy about that.  So my plan is to make sure I do my cardio Tuesday and Wednesday nights and to make the best food choices I can.  I will take some healthy snacks and water with me.


I hope if anyone can take anything away from this it is this.  THIS PROCESS TAKES TIME AND TRUE COMMITMENT!  I know I work hard in the gym and 9x out of 10 I am making really healthy food choices.  Also, the scale is not a true test of your success or failure. Take plenty of pictures and take plenty of measurements to help you through the times when the scale doesn't move.  I for one, am so thankful to be able to compare pictures.  On days where I feel like "I haven't changed from that 370 pound girl..." I look through pictures and remember how uncomfortable I was before. 

No weigh In Sunday

12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????


So this past weekend I was away on an annual girls weekend trip I take with some great ladies.  I ate food I haven't had in over a month including:  Cheese (I literally almost died from how sick I felt), crackers, bread, pasta, and  ice cream.  Do I regret it, no?  BUT, I will say that I knew going in that if I indulged I would have a hard time with it mentally... and I did.  I have been in the biggest funk since I got back from this trip.  Just not willing to jump back in 100%, and I hate it.  It is only Tuesday, but I feel like I have been off plan for a month.  So with that said, tomorrow I am back at it.  Gym, food, all of it.  I feel better when I am being strict.  I never thought I would have that mindset, but I do.  Some people will argue that you have to "live a little...." and this is SO VERY TRUE.  BUT, people do not know how far and deep my addiction with food goes.  I do not expect people to understand and to follow my path, I just know what works for me.  Eating 100% healthy for a full month was the best and most accomplished I have felt in my entire life.  I felt more accomplished from eating healthy for a full month that I did when I graduated college or landed my dream job.  THAT is how serious my food addiction runs.  It's not a little snack here and there... it has run my life for SO long that I really never thought I could eat healthy for a full month with no cheats. 

So, stay tuned for my weigh in next week.  I didn't weigh in when I got back from the weekend away, because I knew it would be up.  I didn't want to add fuel to the fire of my mental battle. 

Again, thank you to all of you who take the time to read this.  I do not know your reason, but I hope in some way you can find some peace with whatever battle you personally face.  Food addiction is so seldom talked about, because often people are full of shame  -- I know I was.  But, once you face it and get support behind you... your life can be so much more peaceful. 

Sunday, January 31, 2016 Weigh In

12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds

This week, I stuck to a strict plan of counting my macros and eating every three hours.  Incorporating protien shakes in for meals at work when I was busy.  Eating every three hours is my dream come true.  Ha!  I actually find in eating this way it is easier for me to stay focused.  Every three hours I am actually hungry, almost on the dot.

I woke up this morning as I do every Sunday and hobbled down the steps to weigh myself.  The scale read 291.  In that moment I just started to cry.  For the first time in quite some time I started to question WHY am I working this hard?  I do not know what number on that scale would have made me happy, but obviously, it wasn't that one.  As I am writing this, 6 hours later, I have my sanity and purpose back.  I realize that this is a lifestyle change, and I honestly know I am working on the last step of making this an honest and true lifestyle change and not just some diet.

THIS IS NOT EASY.  This has taken me a LONG time to wrap my head around and I STILL STRUGGLE.  I will not give up, but I have been so honest with my path in this journey that it would be a disservice to not mention that today was a hard day.  What is even crazier is that these feelings of questioning what my true goals are came one day after having a GREAT experience at the gym the last night.

Yesterday at Vent, we, as challenge members were able to compete in a psuedo competition where we were timed.  I say psuedo competition because we were going against a clock, but we were competing against ourselves.  We will do the same timed event in 10 weeks to see how much we are able to improve our time.  The competition included:  30 box jumps, 30 push-ups, 30 sit-ups, 30 burpees and 20 sprints.  Each exercise had a regression.  If you used a regression you were given a time penalty for those.  I was able to complete the event in 6:42, but had three modifications.  I did step ups (on a much lower box), I did my push-ups from my knees and I did not jump at the end of my burpees.  Most of you who read this probably already know that I need a knee replacement.  So, with my knee it is impossible for me to step very high without assistance or to jump safely.

With that said, I went into the competition really believing that I was going to finish last.  I was okay with that, I have finished races and competitions before last; but what I realized is that I actually did REALLY well.  I learned at this event, that no matter what your size you cannot truly depict capability.  I am strong.  I can do things.  I push hard.

So, with all that said, yesterday was an emotional but GREAT day.  Then the next morning... full of doubt.  I just want you all to know if you are currently in your own journey to get healthy, we all have good and bad days.  We have really high highs and really low lows.  What I do know is that every day I will keep pushing.  BUT, every day I may not be happy about it... and that is OKAY!  Some days I need a push from a friend.  Some days I need someone to tell me to suck it up.  And some days I just need to cry.  This is HARD work.  It requires changing a lot about your life.  Food, exercise, social events.... I could go on forever.

I have a group of friends who I go out with to the same place every time one of us leaves our old job.  They have AMAZING tater tots (don't judge).  I wanted them so bad I almost cried over it.  Instead I texted a friend and said "I want these tater tots..." and she messaged me back saying no, and why I shouldn't.  Simple, but effective.

I have officially made it over a month with no cheats.  That means not one trip to fast-food (aside from DD for cofffee).  This is huge for me.  So, today I am celebrating that.

For those of you struggling to lose weight, let my numbers show you how much work it is.  I am being very strict with food and I exercise on average two hours a day.   It's not easy.  But, I am happy with 9 pounds down in a month.  BUT, if you are trying to lose weight and are unhappy with your "slow" weight loss, know that it actually isn't slow.  I am HAPPY to average 2 pounds a week.  But even I have to remind myself this is a marathon not a sprint.


Thankful, my hard ass workout at SETS Training today, got me back to being focused on ME. As I was pushing myself at the gym, I just got back into the right frame of mind.  This journey is mine.  I am giving it my all.  Everything else will fall into place. 

Sunday, January 24, 2016 Weigh In

12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds

I gained .2 ounces this week.  It is what it is.  I know I am doing everything I can to get this weight off.  This is the longest I have ever stayed on plan to making healthy food choices. 

My workout schedule looked like this:

Monday: Back day at SETS; Strike (twice), 30 minute treadmill
Tuesday: Treadmill 45 minutes
Wednesday: Treadmill 45 minutes
Thursday: REST
Friday: Shoulder day at SETS
Saturday: Strike, 30 minute treadmill
Sunday:  Leg day at SETS

My food:

No cheats.  Lots of eggs, chicken, oatmeal, vegetables and sweet potatoes :) 


The scale is dumb.  I know I am doing my part. 

Sunday Weigh In

12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds

I am not going to see the 300's any more.  Last year I finally got under 300 pounds and said I would never go back.  Then life happened.  I continued to work out, but I just did not wrap my head around food.  I actually started making WORSE choices instead of better.  The direct result of that was me gaining about 20 pounds. 

As you all know, I recently started addressing my relationship with food at a much deeper level; and the scale is moving in the right way.  Last week I was kind of mad because I didn't lose any weight, but at the same time I knew I did everything in my power to lose weight.  I am eating right and continue to exercise.  This week I didn't change anything, but the scale went down.  Even with the scale going down I still found myself frustrated.  Thankfully, I got my wits about me and did some reflecting.  I have been attempting to lose weight for over two years now... and although I have, it has been mainly because I changed my activity level.  For the last year though, I really have not lost much weight.  I have lost and gained the same 10 pounds over and over.  So losing 2 pounds a week is honestly the best thing ever. 

I am happy.  That is an amazing feeling.  Food still runs my life, but at least I am dealing with it head on and in a healthy way.  Knowing now that I am in fact giving it my all is a great feeling.

Two Week Check In

As of December 29th I weighed in at 300 pounds.  My official weigh in days are Sundays.  From that Tuesday to Sunday I lost 6 pounds. 

This week, I lost ZERO.  I am mad.  But I am just mad at the results.  I know for the first time in my life I gave it 100%.  I worked out like normal, but on top of that I ate the way I was supposed to.  100 percent of the time... no cheats, no lies.... I DID IT. 

It becomes frustrating when you are 300 pounds and you eat the way you are told to and you do not lose weight.  I do not understand the science behind it... I just don't.  I waited a day to even write this blog, because I didn't want it to come across that I am giving up in any way.... quite frankly, it is the opposite.  I am sticking to this plan 100% no matter what.  I am giving it a month to see what the results are.  After that month I will sit down with my trainer/nutritionist/doctor and assess the progress I have made.  I want to say that for a month I did not eat any crap... I worked out.... and THIS is the result (whatever that result may be). 

With all of that said, I am happy I made it through these two weeks with no cheats or lies.  That is HUGE for me.  This is coming from a girl who used to eat two dinners and not tell anyone in her life.  True story. 

I know this is a short post for me, but it is what it is. 

Thanks for reading -- stay tuned for next week's weigh in results. 

XOXO

Happy New Year - 2016

I love a New Year.  Although you can choose to set a goal at any time of the year, most of us find ourselves making goals or resolutions at the start of a new year.  I love it.  It's like a blank slate.  So to those of you choosing to start/continue/step up a healthy lifestyle -- I wish you well.  If you are joining a gym, remember that it may be a little busier this time of year.  Sadly, some of the volume you see during January will start to fade.  Don't let that missing person be you.

As I look back over the past few years, I am so thankful that fitness is now a part of my every day life.  It is not something that I take lightly, nor is it something I put on the back burner.  I can say with confidence that going to the gym/being active is a part of my life.  It is no longer a chore (well, most days it's not a chore).  I enjoy it (for the most part.... ha).  I know which things I love more and I know where I need to continue to grow.  I am comfortable in the gym.  I am comfortable going with a group or alone.  I no longer get that feeling of "I don't belong here," when I walk in the door.  I not only belong there, I deserve to be there.  I deserve the time I put in there.

Looking back over the past few years I now know what my next BIG step needs to be.  I have written on here before about nutrition and my very big food addiction.  I have slowly been dealing with that over the past few years.  It started with Lori at Fit Energy.  She planted the seed. Without her being so gentle and understanding of that 370+ pound girl standing in front of her -- I would probably be over 500 pounds by now.  She never let me believe that I didn't deserve to be where I was or couldn't do what everyone else did. Next came my PCOS doctor at We Care.  This was the first time I sat down with a nutritionist and was given a "plan" for ME!  Not just eat this don't eat this.... but a plan tailored to my weight, my goals and my medical issues.  Did I follow the plan?  NOPE.  But I did begin to let the knowledge seep into my brain.  I started to understand what a carbohydrate was, and that I NEEDED them.  I began to figure out foods that would be considered a fat and those that would be considered a protein.  I started to learn why I needed these things and that I should not be afraid of calories.  I started to really believe that calories in vs. calories out is NOT the only measurement for weight loss and health in general.  Next I started working with a personal trainer at Vent Fitness that also taught me a lot about food.  Catrina was the first person that made me realize that food and my emotions were going hand in hand.  I never once thought I over ate because of anything other than "I like food."  I still didn't follow her advice, but I listened.  I took in what she told me and I believed it a little more.  I just wasn't ready to really deal with what I needed to in order to change.  But I still listened and made small (ever so small) changes.  She helped me more than I have ever told her on getting to the point of real change.  She is the first person that made me start to question my real attachment to food.  She is the first person that made me start thinking about the food I put into my body and how it is the fuel to the activity I partake in.  I literally never thought of food as fuel.  And even when she would talk about it, I didn't latch on to the advice; but little by little all of these people were peeling away the layers -- sort of like an onion, to help me get to where I am today.

My current trainer Chad, at SETS Training is peeling off the rest of the layers of that onion.  He was brutally honest with me about getting to the bottom of my food addiction.  As you all know from previous blogs, I started training with Chad because the only part of the gym I was not comfortable with was lifting weights; yet that was the part I was most interested in.  My best friend Maygin was training with Chad and not only did I love the results she was getting, I loved WHAT she was doing.  I wanted to dead lift.  I wanted to bench press.  I wanted to be that person that goes in the gym, headphones in and lifts heavy things.  I know it sounds silly, but that is what I wanted.  Now, I am doing those things and training with people who are following a very strict diet.  Chad was able to pinpoint my macros (very similar to the nutritionist I see every month), but what I liked about Chad's version is he KNOWS how hard my workouts are and the effort I put in there.  The downside to my nutritionist/doctor is that she only knows what I tell her.  I can't explain to her enough the amount of work I put in at the gym, because quite frankly I do not believe she really believes the intensity of it.  She is a great doctor, but people exaggerate so often to medical professionals that they have to take what you say as only part of the story.  With all that said, what I am saying now is that I am ready.  Chad has finally peeled away the final layers and I have NEVER believed something so much in my life.  I know without a doubt I am going to be highly successful this year.  I am not saying every day will be rainbows and butterflies, but I know without a doubt I am ready.  Do I still love pizza more than anything?  Yes.  It is my favorite food, but I love myself and my goals more.  Some days will be hard.  Hell, this week wasn't even "easy" and it is just the beginning... but I know without a doubt my mind has finally accepted that I have a problem and no matter how much I work out, I will never reach the goals I have without changing this part of my life too. I have finally accepted that I can't take a short-cut and just like everyone else in the world I have to change in order to get different results than I have now. 

For those that have reached out to me about what meal plan I follow or what my secret is.... I wish it was an easy answer.  It took me TWO years to get to the mind frame that I am in today on January 3, 2016.  It is not just as simple as saying just eat less.... or cut out bread. I am also not a nutritionist or an expert at any of this.  I can only tell you that every penny I have spent in the past two years on getting to where I am right now in this moment is worth it.  So take the time, money and drive that you have right now and invest it in YOU.  If you need to know how to contact any of the people I have listed here, just let me know.

To those of you have played a role in changing my life.  Thank you.  I couldn't list everyone if I tried.  This includes people at the gym, friends, family and even those that DO NOT believe in me.  This includes the jack asses that made fun of me in school behind my back.  Thank you for the role you play or played to get me where I am now.

Make 2016 a great one.  No excuses.