I cannot believe I haven't blogged since Valentine's Day. That is an entire month. What does this mean???? That means that I have not been in a good place mentally. On my last post I said I was going to NYC for work; well I did... and while there I got the flu and bronchitis. That took me out of my normal workouts for nearly three weeks. During that time, I stopped eating "on plan," and quickly found myself making excuses of why it was okay to eat certain foods. Do not get me wrong, no particular food is "bad," but for me, certain foods are triggers for me to spiral out of control. I know this about myself.
Last week, I finally made it back into the gym and didn't miss any days at SETS. This was HARD because my first day back was leg day. For those that have not experienced a leg day at SETS, let's just say you leave feeling tired... and it takes three days to start walking normal again. With that being said, it made it difficult to not back out of my workouts the rest of the week. But I pushed through and I am so thankful today because I know when I am at the gym on my "regular" schedule, I am more likely to make better food choices all around; and at the end of the day FOOD CHOICES are my true struggle.
It is so hard to explain to people who are not obsessed with food how much of a struggle this truly is. I can only compare it to addiction to other things like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, you can abstain from drugs or alcohol as a way to treat those addictions; you cannot abstain from food.
I used to be so ashamed to talk about my true obsession with food; but one day, it just clicked with me, and I realized if I truly want to become the healthiest version of myself, then I needed to address this part of my life. Aside from my boyfriend, one dear friend and my trainer, this topic is still hard for me to verbally talk about. I am not ashamed anymore, but it's very emotionally raw for me still. I cannot talk about this topic without crying. Baby steps though, because at least I am not ashamed any longer. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is my battle, and I will win.
I have for so long adapted the all or nothing attitude when it came to fitness and eating healthy, and what that has done in the past is cause me to be an emotional roller coaster ride. When I am good, I am good. When I am bad, I am really bad. Meaning that when I am at the gym regularly and eating healthy, I feel on top of the world. When I eat one thing "off plan," I feel like the world is ending. Most people in my every day life do not know how much of a battle this is for me (aside from reading my blogs or social media). This battle is an easy one to hide and make it appear as though everything in your life is normal. But when you are truly obsessed with food it can take over your life.
I am thankful for the support I have of those who understand this battle. And I hope if you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar battle, that you figure out what is the best way to conquer it. I know without a doubt I will win this.
Also, I have not weighed myself lately. After being back on track 100% this week, I will weigh in again.
12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
3/13/16 - ??????????
I totally get it i crave sweets when im depressed its not just overweight people who deal with a food addiction when i was young i became bulimic for several years i was depressed, didnt have a lot of friends and the only thing that would comfort me was shoving sugar down my throat and then throwing it up because i didnt want to gain weight. I was trying to fill the emptyness i felt by eating comfort food. It went on for years and no one new about it. finally in my sophmore year of high school i became best friends with a fellow bh and my depression stared to fade. i became more out going and less self conscious i started to not need the food to fell my void. (I guess thats what the NK did) i know u would never know this today but i used to be extremly shy. i still struggle and if i say i dont occassionly binge and purge i would be lying. I never really told anybody about it. I guess i was embarrassed ... life is tough and everyone struggles with something im so proud of you Tracy for being so open and honest with your addiction. you will overcome this! im so proud of u for how far you've come already i love u girl and am so happy i met u
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