Doctor Update

I have talked a bit before about how I see a specialist for my PCOS diagnosis.  I actually really like going to this doctor, because for the first time I feel like I have someone who listens to what I am saying and how I am feeling.  I typically refer to this doctor as my "weight loss doctor."  This doctor could prescribe me weight loss medication as well as schedule a weight loss surgery if desired.  I do not desire either of those things.  I think the doctor is still shocked each time they discuss weight loss options with me and I decline.  They are happy that I do not want those things, but at times they fear I am going to get frustrated with my slow results and "give up."  I have assured them that will not happen.

I had missed seeing this doctor for a few months because I had a change in my insurance.  I also knew that the number on the scale had increased.  Until this week, I had always been down in weight each time I checked in there.  That was not the case this past week.

I weighed in with my doctor Friday and I was officially up 26 pound from my last weigh in.  I immediately started to cry.  Although I had been working pretty hard at the gym, I knew that my food had not been consistent for some time.  The doctor came in to talk to me and didn't even mention the 26 pounds until I started to cry.  He told me that although the number on the scale was up significantly, he said my fat percentage and measurements had not changed.  He asked me what I changed in my workouts .  I told the doctor that I recently started weight training.  My doctor told me that he didn't want me to think that food had not played a factor in the numbers on the scale; but he assured me that if I got back on track with my food that I should see phenomenal results.

I am still not thrilled with what the scale said.  I am still mad at myself, but the only thing I can do is move forward.  I am lucky enough to be surrounded by people who help me in so many ways on this journey.  I have really bad days.  I have really good days. Through all of them I have the best people around me to celebrate the good and kick my butt when I need it on the bad.  I need real people in my life.  The honesty that my trainer Chad gives and expects from me is something that I know is special.  He truly gets that I have an issue that I need to work through and is probably the biggest reason I know that I will conquer this.  Not only am I doing things at the gym now that I really want to do (weight lifting), he really has me checking myself mentally. 

Food issues are no joke.  Eating disorders are not only suffered by those who are thin.  I have an issue that I need to get to the bottom of.  I am working on it, but trust me when I say it is a work in progress.  Being open about this part of my life scares the shit out of me.  I do not know the underlying reasons that I turn to food so quickly.  I do not know when and how it started.  All I do know is that I want it to stop.

As I told my doctor, I work too damn hard at the gym to sabotage myself in the kitchen.

My doctor gave me a list of books to read that he thought would be helpful.  Right now I am reading "When Food is Love" by Geneen Roth.  We shall see if it helps in any way.

I also food prepped tonight.  This isn't all I made, but a glimpse at some of it.  I know without a doubt I can do this.  I want this, and I am willing to figure out the what and why of everything.  I need food to survive, but I do not need food for comfort, love, support or any other reason aside from survival.  I can get comfort, love, support and all other things from other avenues.  It's time to do that.