So, I went to the doctor today for some issues I am having with my foot. This is a doctor I have only been to once since I have rarely had issues with my feet. When I got there, they asked if they could weigh me... I said, "sure." I am not one to really care if people know how much I weigh. I then went into the room -- the nurse took my blood pressure... all the "regular" stuff. Then the doctor came in. Let me first say, I really like this doctor -- she went through my file then said, "Your blood pressure looks great, but you really need to keep an eye on your weight." 😳
I literally wanted to be like, "ohhhh realllllly??????????" I get that she was just doing "her job," and again, I really do like her -- but I almost unleashed all my frustrations on her. I AM keeping an eye on it. I am more than keeping an eye on it... I am obsessed with it. I am working out. I am eating "right." WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME??????????????????? I know she is not a mind reader--but SERIOUSLY. Today was one of those days I wanted to really just be like -- F it ALL!
On a side note, I probably will need surgery on both of my feet. On top of my much needed knee replacement, today has left me feeling a little crazy.
But... at the end of the day, I will just "keep an eye on my weight........................................"
HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, February 23, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
You are Worth It
It's taken me three years to fully embrace changing my lifestyle. Sure, I made gradual changes over time -- but I did not fully embrace true change. I adjusted my food ... but was mad about it. I worked out more, but complained about it. I went through the motions and I was happy with the results -- but part of me knew this was not working for me. And now I fully know THIS is why I have been in a slump lately with losing weight. I saw everything I did as a chore and a short-term answer when it came to food.
I wish I could pin-point exactly what has changed with me.I feel like a new person. Strike that, I AM a new person. I have done about a million Vent Fitness Challenges (maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration), but this is the first time I am truly loving it. I am looking forward to pushing myself, because I have ACCEPTED that I am going to give this my all and ENJOY it. GASP! I know! This is about more than the challenge. I am not counting down the days until I eat cookies, pizza and macaroni and cheese. Sure, those things taste delicious to me -- but they do NOT run my life any longer.
I am finding enjoyment in cooking (something I haven't really done for myself in TEN years); I am learning to truly fuel my body. I am learning that my journey is different than every other person I know or on IG, Facebook or any other social media outlet. I am learning not to compare (this one is hard). I am learning that if you don't find internal peace -- the weight loss will not change a thing. I love me today, just like I loved me when I was nearly 400 pounds -- and I will LOVE myself as I lose weight, because I am a good person, beautiful, strong and caring - regardless of that number on the scale. I am learning that my goals are not the same as others - and that is okay. I am learning that I know what is best for me, but I still need advice. I am learning that stress is not fixed by food. I am learning that it's okay to sleep in and skip a work out -- AND it won't ruin the progress I have made. I am learning that I am capable of more than I ever thought. I am learning that skinny does not equal healthy nor does it equal strong -- I am those things NOW -- but I want to keep it that way, and that DOES mean I need to lose weight.
Honestly, I wish I knew what clicked.... because I don't ever want to change this feeling. I cannot imagine food having the power it had over me before. Trust me when I say, all of the foods that got me to nearly 400 pounds still taste good to me; BUT, they are not worth the happiness I have INSIDE me now. I will eat those foods from time to time in my life, but right now I am not ready. They honestly sound unappetizing to me right now -- but I am sure that will change. BUT, when I am ready to "indulge," it will be for a brief moment and a small amount. I will never be the girl that eats in hiding again. 2017 has been the best year of my personal life when it comes to truly getting to the bottom of my obesity and what got me here. I am ready to move on. And that is simply amazing.
Whether I win this challenge or not -- you will see a different person at week 12 than you do right now at week 4. I am learning more and more about myself EVERY day, and I love it.
You are worth the change you make in life. You are more than FOOD. Your are more than the number on the scale. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are WORTH IT!
I wish I could pin-point exactly what has changed with me.
I am finding enjoyment in cooking (something I haven't really done for myself in TEN years); I am learning to truly fuel my body. I am learning that my journey is different than every other person I know or on IG, Facebook or any other social media outlet. I am learning not to compare (this one is hard). I am learning that if you don't find internal peace -- the weight loss will not change a thing. I love me today, just like I loved me when I was nearly 400 pounds -- and I will LOVE myself as I lose weight, because I am a good person, beautiful, strong and caring - regardless of that number on the scale. I am learning that my goals are not the same as others - and that is okay. I am learning that I know what is best for me, but I still need advice. I am learning that stress is not fixed by food. I am learning that it's okay to sleep in and skip a work out -- AND it won't ruin the progress I have made. I am learning that I am capable of more than I ever thought. I am learning that skinny does not equal healthy nor does it equal strong -- I am those things NOW -- but I want to keep it that way, and that DOES mean I need to lose weight.
Honestly, I wish I knew what clicked.... because I don't ever want to change this feeling. I cannot imagine food having the power it had over me before. Trust me when I say, all of the foods that got me to nearly 400 pounds still taste good to me; BUT, they are not worth the happiness I have INSIDE me now. I will eat those foods from time to time in my life, but right now I am not ready. They honestly sound unappetizing to me right now -- but I am sure that will change. BUT, when I am ready to "indulge," it will be for a brief moment and a small amount. I will never be the girl that eats in hiding again. 2017 has been the best year of my personal life when it comes to truly getting to the bottom of my obesity and what got me here. I am ready to move on. And that is simply amazing.
Whether I win this challenge or not -- you will see a different person at week 12 than you do right now at week 4. I am learning more and more about myself EVERY day, and I love it.
You are worth the change you make in life. You are more than FOOD. Your are more than the number on the scale. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are WORTH IT!
Saturday, January 21, 2017
Drug of Choice
I all but gave up on this blog. I all but gave up on losing more weight. 2016 was not the best year for me with my weight loss journey. Although I like to say it all happened after I went on vacation in October, truthfully I was not as committed in 2016 as I had been. I achieved almost 100 pounds lost -- and literally creeped back up over the past year. I weighed in for the 2017 Vent Fitness Challenge this month up 46 pounds from my lowest weight. It's crazy to even write those words, because right now...as I type this, I am in a better place mentally than I have been in a LONG time.
When I started this entire "get healthy" venture, I really only focused on moving my body more. It helped tremendously. I found things I loved and was able to rule out things that just were not for me (let's just say Namaste is not my thing). In that time I met great people who supported me, and truth be told a couple of people I have met in this process are now what I consider best friends.
Along this path, several people have planted seeds of information in me about nutrition. I would listen, and maybe even "try" it out for a bit. But it would be short lived. Looking back, I can see why. I used food as my comfort. I got lost in my food. If I had a good day -- food was there. If I had a bad day, guess what -- food was there. Food is my drug. Let that truly sink in. Something I need every day is something I cannot be trusted with.
I recently attended a forum where a guest speaker spoke about his experience in long term recovery. When I say the words "long term recovery," most people think of substance abuse. I know I did. But his words hit me so hard. He said something along the lines that an addict will think of a million reasons that they shouldn't do something, but can make one excuse as to why they should, and immediately they have made the decision that those other million reasons do not matter. Even if one of the reasons that an addict doesn't want to do something is that the outcome could be death. He also spoke about how he as an addict always said, "this is the last time," or "on Monday I will stop." Say what.......................................................................... THIS IS MY LIFE. Just my drug of choice is not illegal.
My drug of choice is available in reaching distance every minute of my life. I face my drug of choice every time I walk into a store, a friend's home, my home, and the gym. My drug of choice is food. Now, many of you may be thinking that I am crazy, but I promise you I am not. This isn't about overeating. This isn't about having one more brownie than you should. I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it. I will do anything to get my fix. I will lie, I will hide and I will hide the evidence. I can't tell you in my lifetime how many times I have been through a drive-thru and ordered my food with two drinks -- because I didn't want anyone to think the food was for just me. How many times have I eaten before going somewhere where I knew food would be provided? How many times have I eaten until I physically was ill. And I always had excuses:
When I started this entire "get healthy" venture, I really only focused on moving my body more. It helped tremendously. I found things I loved and was able to rule out things that just were not for me (let's just say Namaste is not my thing). In that time I met great people who supported me, and truth be told a couple of people I have met in this process are now what I consider best friends.
Along this path, several people have planted seeds of information in me about nutrition. I would listen, and maybe even "try" it out for a bit. But it would be short lived. Looking back, I can see why. I used food as my comfort. I got lost in my food. If I had a good day -- food was there. If I had a bad day, guess what -- food was there. Food is my drug. Let that truly sink in. Something I need every day is something I cannot be trusted with.
I recently attended a forum where a guest speaker spoke about his experience in long term recovery. When I say the words "long term recovery," most people think of substance abuse. I know I did. But his words hit me so hard. He said something along the lines that an addict will think of a million reasons that they shouldn't do something, but can make one excuse as to why they should, and immediately they have made the decision that those other million reasons do not matter. Even if one of the reasons that an addict doesn't want to do something is that the outcome could be death. He also spoke about how he as an addict always said, "this is the last time," or "on Monday I will stop." Say what.......................................................................... THIS IS MY LIFE. Just my drug of choice is not illegal.
My drug of choice is available in reaching distance every minute of my life. I face my drug of choice every time I walk into a store, a friend's home, my home, and the gym. My drug of choice is food. Now, many of you may be thinking that I am crazy, but I promise you I am not. This isn't about overeating. This isn't about having one more brownie than you should. I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it. I will do anything to get my fix. I will lie, I will hide and I will hide the evidence. I can't tell you in my lifetime how many times I have been through a drive-thru and ordered my food with two drinks -- because I didn't want anyone to think the food was for just me. How many times have I eaten before going somewhere where I knew food would be provided? How many times have I eaten until I physically was ill. And I always had excuses:
- I've been working hard... I deserve this.
- This is just a treat.
- I'm only eating this one last time.
- It's not that much food.
- Tomorrow will be better.
- No one will know.
- It's just food.
- I'll exercise more tomorrow.
I could go on and on. But, if you have ever talked to someone who had a substance abuse issue -- the excuses are all the same.
I am thankful the gym allowed me to halt the weight gain, but I cannot believe how hard I worked in the gym and what "little" results I got. Some may say "100 pounds is not a little," but trust me when I say, if I wasn't binge eating in the time I was at the gym, my results would be completely different.
Something in December hit me like a ton of bricks. I do not need food to comfort me. I do not need food to be my friend. I have WONDERFUL supports. My family, friends, co-workers, and gym acquaintances offer more comfort to me than I will ever find in food. I deserve better in life, and I cannot continue to make excuses. I love pizza. I love cheeseburgers. I love macaroni and cheese, but I cannot be trusted with them. I cannot have just a little and walk away. And, I have to be okay with that. Maybe one day I can eat these types of foods in moderation, but today is not that day.
So, since the start of the year I have been cooking more (I know, I am shocked too). The food has been good. But, it's food that nourishes my body. I do not eat and feel bad afterwards. I do not eat and have stomach aches. I eat for what I am planning on doing that day. I am also tracking and weighing all of my food. I am not estimating what I think a portion is. I am eating an actual portion. And I am more than surviving. I have NEVER felt better. I have survived without CHEESE and didn't even realize it. I still eat delicious food. But food is not my comfort any longer.
So, I am telling the world right now, I will not be stopped. Do not stand in my way.
Sunday, August 7, 2016
Part-Time Game
Hello out there. It has been a LONG time since I blogged. To be honest, I feel like when I am not losing weight I do not know what to write about on here.
I am STILL 300ish pounds. Lord, I never thought I would be writing this over and over and over again. BUT, with that being said -- I am in such a great place mentally right now! I am now back at SETS 4x a week. I honestly think that going there makes such a difference in my mentality of this entire lifestyle. I love working out and love the feeling I have of knowing I am getting stronger -- but as you all know my true struggle is food. Having a trainer to really invest time in not just your workouts and abilities, but also your food is INVALUABLE to me at this time.
Let me be completely honest and transparent with you all right now. You do not get to 300 pounds -- or stuck at 300 pounds by making healthy choices. I can focus for a week at a time ... then just find myself back in a "dark" place with food. I talk to professionals about my relationship with food, but I also know how to manipulate my conversations with them to take the responsibility off of me. With Chad it is different. I feel comfortable enough to allow my walls of shame, guilt and just plain craziness down. I do not know why I have the relationship I do with food, nor do I think I will ever know the true reasons. Food addiction is something that I think is so overlooked in our society -- and something that so many people OBVIOUSLY struggle with.
Two years ago when I finally "snapped" and said enough was enough, I don't think I really thought I could "do it." But I am doing it. I am making better choices, I am learning, I am trying... and I am not giving up. I know what needs to be done and I know that at the end of the day I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO THIS.... this is not a goal/achievement that anyone else can do for me. When you want to lose weight, work out and eat healthy YOU alone are responsible. If I can say I have learned one thing out of all of this it is: It's not a game you can play part-time. If you want true success it is a 24/7 job. You can surround yourself with people who have similar goals, people who will encourage you and people who will support you -- but at the end of the day YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your own results. END OF STORY. No excuses. No whining. No blaming. No giving up when you don't lose 298475498572 pounds in one week. It's day in... day out.... get up early... go to bed late... prep your food, turn down food.... walk away from those who don't support you.... that kind of commitment. This is not a game. This is life. This is about living it and learning to do it the healthiest way you can accept as your reality. This doesn't mean you cannot ever have pizza... it means being honest about the reality of how many times you are "treating" yourself. This is honestly about taking RESPONSIBILITY for your own actions or lack of.
I am journal recording my food again, and so far that has kept me on track.
So for now, I am good. We will see where this takes me. I am taking responsibility though. No one can fix this but me. So, with that said.... let's GO! XOXO
I am STILL 300ish pounds. Lord, I never thought I would be writing this over and over and over again. BUT, with that being said -- I am in such a great place mentally right now! I am now back at SETS 4x a week. I honestly think that going there makes such a difference in my mentality of this entire lifestyle. I love working out and love the feeling I have of knowing I am getting stronger -- but as you all know my true struggle is food. Having a trainer to really invest time in not just your workouts and abilities, but also your food is INVALUABLE to me at this time.
Let me be completely honest and transparent with you all right now. You do not get to 300 pounds -- or stuck at 300 pounds by making healthy choices. I can focus for a week at a time ... then just find myself back in a "dark" place with food. I talk to professionals about my relationship with food, but I also know how to manipulate my conversations with them to take the responsibility off of me. With Chad it is different. I feel comfortable enough to allow my walls of shame, guilt and just plain craziness down. I do not know why I have the relationship I do with food, nor do I think I will ever know the true reasons. Food addiction is something that I think is so overlooked in our society -- and something that so many people OBVIOUSLY struggle with.
Two years ago when I finally "snapped" and said enough was enough, I don't think I really thought I could "do it." But I am doing it. I am making better choices, I am learning, I am trying... and I am not giving up. I know what needs to be done and I know that at the end of the day I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DO THIS.... this is not a goal/achievement that anyone else can do for me. When you want to lose weight, work out and eat healthy YOU alone are responsible. If I can say I have learned one thing out of all of this it is: It's not a game you can play part-time. If you want true success it is a 24/7 job. You can surround yourself with people who have similar goals, people who will encourage you and people who will support you -- but at the end of the day YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE for your own results. END OF STORY. No excuses. No whining. No blaming. No giving up when you don't lose 298475498572 pounds in one week. It's day in... day out.... get up early... go to bed late... prep your food, turn down food.... walk away from those who don't support you.... that kind of commitment. This is not a game. This is life. This is about living it and learning to do it the healthiest way you can accept as your reality. This doesn't mean you cannot ever have pizza... it means being honest about the reality of how many times you are "treating" yourself. This is honestly about taking RESPONSIBILITY for your own actions or lack of.
I am journal recording my food again, and so far that has kept me on track.
So for now, I am good. We will see where this takes me. I am taking responsibility though. No one can fix this but me. So, with that said.... let's GO! XOXO
Sunday, May 1, 2016
Back at it AGAIN ... and AGAIN... and AGAIN!
Obviously, I haven't blogged in quite some time. I have not been in a good place yet again with this whole healthy lifestyle thing. I got very overwhelmed in the all or nothing attitude and next thing I know I am slipping back into my old ways.
This past week has been good. I have upped my cardio and watched religiously what I am eating. I am now taking pictures of everything I eat before I eat it... because believe it or not, my mind will quickly fall into the thought process of "if no one knows about it... it didn't happen..." Which I realize as a rational person that is not logical; but in the moment it is a completely rational thought.
I will keep trying different ways of mentally dealing with this struggle until I really overcome this addiction. For those of you reading this that do not struggle with food addiction I know it is hard to wrap your head around. At times it feels like insanity knowing you are addicted to something that you need to survive. It is finding the balance of getting enough nutrition without giving into the urge to just eat. Finding words to describe how maddening that can be is hard. When I talk to others who binge eat, they get it. It is so much more common that people realize. You do not have to be 300 pounds to suffer from this. I have friends who are thin or average size who suffer from binge eating disorder. It really is everywhere.
I am currently trying to focus on dates and having goals for those dates. I am hoping that will help me. First date is May 11. I have two doctor appointments that day. I want to lose as much weight as possible by then. The big date is October though. That is when the NKOTB cruise is, and I will be filing to NOLA. My goal is to fly without using the seat belt extender. I do not know how much weight I need to lose in order for that to happen, but that is my goal.
Right now I am doing mostly Strike classes and cardio. I will incorporate some other Vent classes back into my schedule, but right now this is the focus. I want to have fun with my workouts again, and I want to have something I enjoy doing. Outside of boxing I know I love lifting weights. I still have not found the comfort level of doing that on my own yet. Every time I am at the gym I have the thought, "I can do it... I can be down there with everyone else..." but then I look and it is SO CROWDED that it gives me anxiety. The other gym that I am a member at has way less people, but it is so much further away. I have to figure out what my next steps are and find the passion I once had (outside of boxing).
This blog is kind of all over the place, because honestly that is how my brain is working with fitness/health right now. ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Since my last blog, I have added two more weigh ins. As you can see.... it quickly went back up to over 300 pounds. I still can't believe I am still struggling at this weight. I thought when I first hit 299 that the hard part was over. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I can promise you this, I will never give up. Never.
12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
4/22/16 - 303 pounds
4/29/16 - 294 pounds
This past week has been good. I have upped my cardio and watched religiously what I am eating. I am now taking pictures of everything I eat before I eat it... because believe it or not, my mind will quickly fall into the thought process of "if no one knows about it... it didn't happen..." Which I realize as a rational person that is not logical; but in the moment it is a completely rational thought.
I will keep trying different ways of mentally dealing with this struggle until I really overcome this addiction. For those of you reading this that do not struggle with food addiction I know it is hard to wrap your head around. At times it feels like insanity knowing you are addicted to something that you need to survive. It is finding the balance of getting enough nutrition without giving into the urge to just eat. Finding words to describe how maddening that can be is hard. When I talk to others who binge eat, they get it. It is so much more common that people realize. You do not have to be 300 pounds to suffer from this. I have friends who are thin or average size who suffer from binge eating disorder. It really is everywhere.
I am currently trying to focus on dates and having goals for those dates. I am hoping that will help me. First date is May 11. I have two doctor appointments that day. I want to lose as much weight as possible by then. The big date is October though. That is when the NKOTB cruise is, and I will be filing to NOLA. My goal is to fly without using the seat belt extender. I do not know how much weight I need to lose in order for that to happen, but that is my goal.
Right now I am doing mostly Strike classes and cardio. I will incorporate some other Vent classes back into my schedule, but right now this is the focus. I want to have fun with my workouts again, and I want to have something I enjoy doing. Outside of boxing I know I love lifting weights. I still have not found the comfort level of doing that on my own yet. Every time I am at the gym I have the thought, "I can do it... I can be down there with everyone else..." but then I look and it is SO CROWDED that it gives me anxiety. The other gym that I am a member at has way less people, but it is so much further away. I have to figure out what my next steps are and find the passion I once had (outside of boxing).
This blog is kind of all over the place, because honestly that is how my brain is working with fitness/health right now. ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Since my last blog, I have added two more weigh ins. As you can see.... it quickly went back up to over 300 pounds. I still can't believe I am still struggling at this weight. I thought when I first hit 299 that the hard part was over. WRONG. WRONG. WRONG.
I can promise you this, I will never give up. Never.
12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
4/22/16 - 303 pounds
4/29/16 - 294 pounds
Sunday, March 13, 2016
Dealing with Food Addiction
I cannot believe I haven't blogged since Valentine's Day. That is an entire month. What does this mean???? That means that I have not been in a good place mentally. On my last post I said I was going to NYC for work; well I did... and while there I got the flu and bronchitis. That took me out of my normal workouts for nearly three weeks. During that time, I stopped eating "on plan," and quickly found myself making excuses of why it was okay to eat certain foods. Do not get me wrong, no particular food is "bad," but for me, certain foods are triggers for me to spiral out of control. I know this about myself.
Last week, I finally made it back into the gym and didn't miss any days at SETS. This was HARD because my first day back was leg day. For those that have not experienced a leg day at SETS, let's just say you leave feeling tired... and it takes three days to start walking normal again. With that being said, it made it difficult to not back out of my workouts the rest of the week. But I pushed through and I am so thankful today because I know when I am at the gym on my "regular" schedule, I am more likely to make better food choices all around; and at the end of the day FOOD CHOICES are my true struggle.
It is so hard to explain to people who are not obsessed with food how much of a struggle this truly is. I can only compare it to addiction to other things like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, you can abstain from drugs or alcohol as a way to treat those addictions; you cannot abstain from food.
I used to be so ashamed to talk about my true obsession with food; but one day, it just clicked with me, and I realized if I truly want to become the healthiest version of myself, then I needed to address this part of my life. Aside from my boyfriend, one dear friend and my trainer, this topic is still hard for me to verbally talk about. I am not ashamed anymore, but it's very emotionally raw for me still. I cannot talk about this topic without crying. Baby steps though, because at least I am not ashamed any longer. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is my battle, and I will win.
I have for so long adapted the all or nothing attitude when it came to fitness and eating healthy, and what that has done in the past is cause me to be an emotional roller coaster ride. When I am good, I am good. When I am bad, I am really bad. Meaning that when I am at the gym regularly and eating healthy, I feel on top of the world. When I eat one thing "off plan," I feel like the world is ending. Most people in my every day life do not know how much of a battle this is for me (aside from reading my blogs or social media). This battle is an easy one to hide and make it appear as though everything in your life is normal. But when you are truly obsessed with food it can take over your life.
I am thankful for the support I have of those who understand this battle. And I hope if you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar battle, that you figure out what is the best way to conquer it. I know without a doubt I will win this.
Also, I have not weighed myself lately. After being back on track 100% this week, I will weigh in again.
12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
3/13/16 - ??????????
Last week, I finally made it back into the gym and didn't miss any days at SETS. This was HARD because my first day back was leg day. For those that have not experienced a leg day at SETS, let's just say you leave feeling tired... and it takes three days to start walking normal again. With that being said, it made it difficult to not back out of my workouts the rest of the week. But I pushed through and I am so thankful today because I know when I am at the gym on my "regular" schedule, I am more likely to make better food choices all around; and at the end of the day FOOD CHOICES are my true struggle.
It is so hard to explain to people who are not obsessed with food how much of a struggle this truly is. I can only compare it to addiction to other things like drugs or alcohol. The difference is, you can abstain from drugs or alcohol as a way to treat those addictions; you cannot abstain from food.
I used to be so ashamed to talk about my true obsession with food; but one day, it just clicked with me, and I realized if I truly want to become the healthiest version of myself, then I needed to address this part of my life. Aside from my boyfriend, one dear friend and my trainer, this topic is still hard for me to verbally talk about. I am not ashamed anymore, but it's very emotionally raw for me still. I cannot talk about this topic without crying. Baby steps though, because at least I am not ashamed any longer. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It is my battle, and I will win.
I have for so long adapted the all or nothing attitude when it came to fitness and eating healthy, and what that has done in the past is cause me to be an emotional roller coaster ride. When I am good, I am good. When I am bad, I am really bad. Meaning that when I am at the gym regularly and eating healthy, I feel on top of the world. When I eat one thing "off plan," I feel like the world is ending. Most people in my every day life do not know how much of a battle this is for me (aside from reading my blogs or social media). This battle is an easy one to hide and make it appear as though everything in your life is normal. But when you are truly obsessed with food it can take over your life.
I am thankful for the support I have of those who understand this battle. And I hope if you are reading this and you find yourself in a similar battle, that you figure out what is the best way to conquer it. I know without a doubt I will win this.
Also, I have not weighed myself lately. After being back on track 100% this week, I will weigh in again.
12/29/15 - 300 pounds
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
3/13/16 - ??????????
Sunday, February 14, 2016
Happy Valentine's Day
01/03/16 - 294 pounds
01/10/16 - 294 pounds
01/17/16 - 292 pounds
01/24/16 - 293 pounds
1/31/16 - 291 pounds
2/7/16 - ??????????
2/14/16 - 287 pounds
If you read my blog last week, you know I didn't weigh in last week after being away for a girls weekend. This week I did weigh in and I am down 4 pounds. I am very pleased with this number because I know I haven't been on point with my food. I have not been over eating at all, but I haven't been preparing my food like I typically have been.
This week coming up will be another battle. I am in New York City for work Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I will be in a training from 8am-5pm each day. I will be eating out for every meal. My hotel does have a gym though, so I am happy about that. So my plan is to make sure I do my cardio Tuesday and Wednesday nights and to make the best food choices I can. I will take some healthy snacks and water with me.
I hope if anyone can take anything away from this it is this. THIS PROCESS TAKES TIME AND TRUE COMMITMENT! I know I work hard in the gym and 9x out of 10 I am making really healthy food choices. Also, the scale is not a true test of your success or failure. Take plenty of pictures and take plenty of measurements to help you through the times when the scale doesn't move. I for one, am so thankful to be able to compare pictures. On days where I feel like "I haven't changed from that 370 pound girl..." I look through pictures and remember how uncomfortable I was before.
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