I Love Myself

I am very guilty of taking a lot of selfies.  A LOT.  I do not apologize for this.  I love myself.  I like to look at pictures of myself and compare it to older pictures of myself.  In a world where so many people hate the way they look, I believe firmly in celebrating when you think you look beautiful.  I was told growing up by people who I cared for deeply that I was fat or ugly..... and guess what?  I know I am not.  I love sharing my pictures on social media because I hope those people that tried to break me growing up see how happy I am.  I hope they see how beautiful I am.  And if they can't see that.... they can kiss my pretty butt :)  HA! 

With that all said, many people think I want to continue to lose weight because I want to be skinny.  I honestly have never even considered the fact that I could be categorized as skinny in my lifetime.  When I first started working out I said to myself, "If I get down to a size 18 I will be so happy."  Then that goal happened and I realized I wasn't where I wanted to be.  Now I realize I just want to be strong and healthy.  I love being in smaller clothes because I have more options available to me, but I honestly thrive and feel energized when I realize I can do things I used to not be able to do.  I have a lot of FAT on my body, but I also have a lot of freaking muscle that I love.

Starting at SETS Training and incorporating weights into my life has been a game changer.  I know I am stronger than I have been in my ENTIRE life.  I know that it is only going up from here.  Literally nothing is going to hold me back from getting stronger.  Not my knee, not my food issues, not my negative thoughts.  I will be successful.  A big shout out to my trainer Chad for really teaching me and showing me that I can do this.  By THIS I mean ANYTHING I want to do!  I will never give up.  I may cry.  I may pout.  I may scream.  BUT I WILL NOT GIVE UP!  EVER!

To those of you struggling with your weight or dealing with health issues... you can get through it.  You absolutely can start to change your life.  Find something you are passionate about and throw yourself into it.  The first step is the scariest, but if you find the right place(s) for you, you will be successful. 

I am BACK ... and a recap

I took a break from writing this blog because I was writing a blog for my gym.  I recently decided to stop writing that blog for various reasons and come back to this one.  Writing for Vent Fitness was an amazing experience.  I am so thankful to my gym for so many reasons.  I could go on and on forever about how much I have changed since joining Vent Fitness.  I am pretty sure I have covered my love for my gym in prior blog posts.  Not only have I lost weight since joining Vent Fitness, but I also gained so much confidence. 

I started my journey with Zumba.  I would go to a class or two a week until I thought I was ready for more.  Then I started going to Fit Energy.  This was the first time I opened up to someone about how much I weighed.  I emailed the owner and wanted to express before setting foot into the place that I was a large woman.  I do not know if I expected to get an email back saying "this isn't the place for you...." or what, but I just wanted to go in with no surprises.  I went to Fit Energy between 2 and 3 times a week.  Then I felt like I wanted/needed more.  Was I ready to join a gym that I could go to at any time? 

December of 2013 I joined Vent Fitness.  I liked it because they offered small group sessions which is what I felt I needed to ease my way into the gym.  I am forever thankful for the knowledge I gained while working out at Vent Fitness.  I learned so much about form, nutrition and how strong I truly was.  The trainers that took me under their wings taught me so much.  This fitness journey has been more emotional than words in a blog can express.  Having people who believed in me is one of the number one reasons I have been able to continue this path even when I didn't want to.  I am thankful for my trainer, Catrina who was my emotional rock during 2014.

I am currently still at Vent Fitness.  It is my comfort zone. 

Recently, I started training with a trainer outside of Vent Fitness.  I was ready for something new, a bigger challenge.... time to push my comfort zone.  I am now training with Chad at SETS Training and I have never in my life felt as strong as I do now.  The one area of the gym I never learned to be comfortable in was the weight section.  It was something I always wanted to do, but just felt as if I didn't belong.  Now, I am working with a trainer who pushes my comfort zone.  I am now weight training 3-4 days a week (depending on how many days I skip - - I am working on getting better at not skipping days). 

I do not know how much I currently weigh.  I am participating in the Vent Fitness Challenge, but I do not remember how much I weighed in at.  I can tell you I have gained weight.  My clothes are fitting better, but my weight went up significantly.  I promise it is not all muscle.  I still have food issues.  Those have not magically went away.  I am trying my hardest to be more open about my food issues, but it is HARD.  I know/admit now that I am an emotional eater.  I am an over eater and I am a binge eater.  I do not trust myself alone with food.  Sounds crazy to people who do not have an eating disorder, but it is very hard for someone who does have an eating disorder to be alone with food.  This is the first time I am saying out loud that I suffer from an eating disorder, because for me I always thought those that had eating disorders could only be classified as bulimic or anorexic; which is not true.  I do not suffer from either of those, but I do accept now that I suffer from an eating disorder.  I have tried my hardest to deal with his on my own.  I think I am finally ready to seek professional help for it.  It will be emotional to walk through the doors of a support group meeting, or admit to my doctor verbally.  For some reason it is easier for me to share struggles here... on the internet. 

So that's it in a nutshell.  I am hoping to soon add a YouTube channel to my blog.  Several people have asked if I would be interested in adding a video aspect to my blogging... so I may give it a try. 

For those reading this... thank you.  Thank you for being a part of my story. 

F You PCOS

I am having a ROUGH night.  Like crying alone on the couch night.  Nothing sparked this mood.  It came out of the blue.  I do not know how PCOS works in others lives, I only know what it does to mine.  Be warned, if you do not want to know about my very personal life... stop reading.  For me, PCOS shows it's ugly head in a few ways:

• I get cyst on my ovaries.  Sometimes they rupture.  It causes extreme pain. 
• I get facial hair.  Cute right.  It sucks.  I pluck EVERY day.  EVERY. DAMN.  DAY.  I hate having to worry about if someone touches my face if a random hair will be poking out.  I hate having to look at my face a million times a day in "just the right light...."  I hate it.
• I am insulin resistant and take medicine that makes me want to cry because it upsets my stomach SO BAD.
• I have to have a IUD (Mirena) or I have my period EVERY DAY.  That's right folks, without it I bleed EVERY. DAMN. DAY.
• The Mirena (IUD) is not in the right place.  So it dispenses the hormones, however it does not work as birth control.
• The medication I am on for the insulin resistance makes it "easier" for me to get pregnant.....
• DOWNFALL... It would more than likely result in a miscarriage because my lining is so thin.  FUN.
• My weight does not change easily.  I have been working out since August of 2013.  I have been working out pretty hard core for about a year..... I have lost 80+ pounds .... which I KNOW I KNOW.... it's a "great" number... but someone at my weight burning the amount of calories I do... should lose weight faster.
• I produce too much testosterone.  No, I am not a man (with a hairy chin and all my testosterone... I know it's hard to believe).  This makes me crazy at times.  My hormones are so freaking imbalanced.
• When I do have a menstrual cycle it feels like straight death. 
• I am losing my hair.  So.... I grow hair in places I do not want it.... and I lose it in places I want to keep it.  Fun.

A lot of people  think that PCOS is just a reproductive issue.  This is NOT true.  Even if the doctor removed my ovaries I would still suffer from PCOS.  Many doctors are leaning more towards the belief that it is a metabolic disease.  PCOS did not MAKE me overweight.  I did that.  I ate crappy food and didn't move my ass.  But NOW, it IS making my path to getting healthy much harder. 

So tonight, I am having a pity party for one.  Tomorrow I will be fine.  Tonight I want to punch PCOS in the fucking head.  No easier way to say it.  I know it could be much worse.  I am so extremely blessed with the life I have.... just tonight, I am mad.    It's real life folks. 

Social Media and Resolutions for the New Year

So, it's no secret that I use social media to document my so-called "journey" on this fitness/weight loss path.  During this time I have really opened my life up to not only my friends and family but also to strangers.  Most of my Facebook and Instagram posts are related to this new-ish journey that I am on.  Personally, I have no doubt that social media has played a big part of my successes when it comes to getting healthy.  I chose to be open about this part of my life for many different reasons.  I needed to be honest about it for the first time in my life.  I needed the accountability.  I needed the input of others.  I needed people to push me through the hard times.  I needed people to pat me on the back when I felt down.  I needed to meet people with similar goals.  I needed documented proof to myself that what I was doing was working.  As you can see, I needed lots of things! 

Using social media could have went one of two ways: Very good or very bad.  Thankfully, today I rank the use of social media for my weight loss as very good.  Sure, I have had times where people have tried to hurt me via social media.  I had one guy even post on my instagram that I should "just give up...."  Whatever dude. 

People use social media for different reasons.  I am SURE I get on some people's nerves when I post so much every day.  Hell, I even get sick of my own before and "during" pictures.... but I promise you when I post something (be it a written post or a photo), I have a reason for it.  What started out as me sharing my story to help myself has honestly turned into me posting to help others who have ever or currently feel like they have to continue to live the life that they do.  I have said before, I thought I was destined to be the fat girl on the sidelines.  I know better now.  If I can help even ONE person see that it is never to late.... then I feel like I have succeeded. 

And for those who hate my posts.... in the words of Taylor Swift:  "Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate...."  HA!  Just kidding!  Honestly, to any friends who find it annoying... I will not think of you any less of a friend if you don't continue to follow me on social media.  I KNOW it can be a lot.  Like I said, I can get on my own nerves sometimes :)

During this quest to get healthy I have been diagnosed with PCOS and found out I need to have a full knee replacement.  I think when I share struggles like this with others I can show them that even when barriers to your plan come up, you can get through them. 

***********************************************************************************

I have written before about Brian and Chrissy from Fly 92 being great supporters of mine and how cool I thought that was.  Today I was surprised to hear that they mentioned me on air.  Unfortunately, I missed this part of the show because I had to travel for work today.... but found out about it when I got to my office. 

It's strange how people come into your life.  Kristi Gustafson Barlette entered my life when I moved to the area and started reading her blog.... THEN she had a boy band contest that I KNEW I had to participate in.... so I got to "know" her a little better.  

Thank you to Brian, Chrissy and Kristi for saying such nice things.  You guys make me laugh every day and I am thankful to call you friends!  I take pride in being part of the 1% of the 8% (HA)!!!!!!


So that's my intro to the following clip.  Enjoy! 



http://www.mixcloud.com/flymorningrush/kgb-stop-on-social-media-2015/

Setting Goals

So, it's that time of year people make new year's resolutions.  I am both in support of those who set goals, but also realistic that most people forget what they set a goal for by January 5th.  The only harm I see in that, is it sets people up for failure.  People often say "I want to lose weight," but never set up a plan to help facilitate that.  I am GUILTY of the same.  Even though I have been slowly losing weight for about a year and a half now, I still set myself up for failure often.  Example:  recently I set a goal to lose 20 pounds by January 17th (when the next challenge at my gym starts), but that is all I said... "I want to lose 20 pounds by such and such date...."  Guess what?  I am nowhere closer to reaching that "goal" than I was the day I said that was my goal.  Want to know why?  I didn't put any effort into figuring out how I was going to reach this goal.  What my honest and true goal should have been should have been "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week."  THEN I would see results I want.  It's easy when you just say you want to lose weight and set a date to keep saying to yourself, "Oh this cupcake today is fine... I still have five weeks to reach my goal."  But before you realize it, you are doing that every day.  Eventually you throw that goal out the window, because you realize you have F'd up so much that you can't reach that goal by your set timeframe now.  So... just like people and the failed resolutions they make.... my goal is now simply gone as if I never said it.  Where as if I had said, "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week...." I could start over any and every time I failed to reach my goal.  Also I could celebrate making it one day into my goal... I could celebrate having more good days than bad..... etc. 

 

So my advice (if anyone in the world wants it), would be to set goals that are more concrete.  Narrow it down.  Don't just say you "want to lose weight..."  Don't just say you "wan to get healthy..."  Set the goal to something you can measure every day.  AND most of all... do NOT forget your goal.  If you mess up.... dust yourself off and START that second.  Do NOT say "tomorrow....."  If you eat one to many brownies.... go do some exercise and feel better immediately.  It won't "un-do" the deed you did, BUT it will have you feeling better than saying... "Tomorrow...." 

 

My personal goals for 2015 will be posted soon.  I want to talk to my trainer and get some concrete advice on a few things before I write mine in stone....

 

I know for a fact that 2013 changed my life.  2014 showed me I have got what it takes, and 2015.... well you better just watch out.  This girl is NOT playing any longer.  I have come to realize a lot about myself recently.  The number one thing being I have an addiction.  I have a problem... and I need to face it.  Addiction to food is as serious if not more so than a drug addiction.  The sad part about it, is our country accepts our addictions to food as acceptable.... well it's not.... and I am done.  If I have to seek outside help for this problem, 2015 will be the year.  So bring it.

 

Get busy everyone.... set some goals!!!!!!!  You don't have to wait until January 1st to start!

 

And remember... never take yourself too seriously! 

Observations from a formally Fat(ter) person

So I know the title can be offensive to some, and that is not my intention.  This is how I personally feel.  I know I am fat guys.  The word doesn't hurt me like it used to.  It's just a word.  Would it be better if I used the term overweight?  Obese?  Whatever word you choose to use... it's fine by me.  The word fat used to DESTROY me.  Some of you reading this may have even called me fat at one time or another in school... yes, I heard you.  Yes, you hurt me.  Yes, I forgive you.

The other day I stopped at McDonalds.  Yes, you heard me correct.  I STOPPED AT MCDONALDS.  I stopped at McDonalds because I work in different state prisons and HATE using the bathroom there... so I stopped at McDonalds on my way back to my office to use the bathroom.  I bought a salad with no freakin' dressing.  It wasn't great, but it helped keep me in line for the day even though it was McDonalds.

While there I looked around.  EVERY person in the place was extremely overweight.  It's pretty common everywhere you turn in America right now for the majority of those around us to be overweight.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't judging anyone at all... quite the opposite.  I sympathized with these folks.  I wanted to jump up on the counter and scream "YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF FOOD..."  Now, don't worry... I didn't do that; but the thought crossed my mind. 

I left and went outside.  In the parking lot, parked on either side of my car were women sitting in the drivers seats of each of there cars... eating.  Eating cheeseburgers and sitting in the drivers seat.  Alone.  Just the women and the cheeseburgers and whatever else they may have in the car with them.  Now, these women could have just been eating in the car in the parking lot because they wanted to enjoy the minute they had alone.  They could have been eating alone in the car because they didn't feel like going in.  OR they could be eating in the safety of the car(s) because they were the old me.  Embarrassed to eat.  Embarrassed to be seen.  Embarrassed to live.  Again, for these ladies... I don't know what the reason was.  All I could see was the old Tracy.  I saw a lonely person, who was constantly surrounded by others, who constantly laughed... but secretly felt SO ALONE.  A lonely person, who quietly accepted her weight as "just the way it is."  A lonely girl, who was afraid to eat inside alone because although she was in a loving wonderful relationship.... that lonely girl KNEW that people judged her.  I saw the lonely girl who used to wear a ring on her "wedding" finger because she didn't want people to think she was alone.  **Yes, this all happened while I was observing in McDonalds in a matter of minutes.**

I can't shake the thoughts this week.  Although I have grown so much, I am STILL that girl.  That girl tries to push her WEAK face through still to this day.  I fight a constant battle to keep pushing forward.  It's strange to say that because I love going to the gym.  That part is easy.  It's fun for me.  I feel like I actually belong and fit in (ironically).  However, food is my issue.  One year ago, I didn't know anything about nutrition... not one thing.  Today, I know a little.  I say a little because it is still the most confusing thing in the world to me.  Maybe because I grew up in the south where gravy is served on everything and sweet tea is the drink of choice.  I grew up thinking potatoes and corn were vegetables and that biscuits were encouraged to eat at every meal.  I grew up where food was social.  You invite everyone to eat.  EVERYONE!  You show love with food.  I like you... I feed you.  I don't like you... I feed you.  Get it? 

Now, when I eat I feel the opposite.  I feel judged because I am a big girl eating a salad.  I feel judged because I eat 4857394865374 times a day and carry a cooler!  HA!  Some of this is just me thinking people are judging me.  It stems from insecurities I have never ever ever faced. 

I have had so many people tell me in the past... "I always admired you because you never felt bad about your weight or let it hold you back."  When people said that to me I didn't know if I should cry or congratulate myself.  I wanted to cry because it was so far from the truth.  It was a lie I even tried to make myself believe.  Or should I congratulate myself on pulling it off?  I was successful in making people believe I was "just fine."

I don't even know the point of this blog post, but I know for days I have been thinking about the old me vs. new me.  I have been thinking about how we raise money for every disease known to man kind, but most of us are killing ourselves with food ... every. damn. day.  I wish we could raise money to educate people, specifically children on healthy food choices.  I wish we could educate people that eating 700 calories a day and cutting out entire food groups is not going to make you the best you.  I wish I could scream from the mountaintops YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knee Update

So after the Niagara Falls race, I had to see a doctor because the pain was pretty severe and my knee seemed "locked."  My primary doctor brushed the pain off to "over use," but ordered x-rays just as a precaution.  Before I could even drive out of the parking lot of the doctor's office, my primary called to tell me that the technician saw "loose bodies" in my knee and I would need to see an orthopedic.  She referred me out. 

I went to the first orthopedic doctor who was a sports medicine ortho.  He immediately told me that I needed a full knee replacement.  He showed me my x-rays and told me the cartilage in my right knee was completely gone and my knee was infested with arthritis.  I held it together well until he left the room.  Then I started crying so hard... you know the UGLY cry; the one where you can't catch your breath... yep.... that was me.  The doctor came back into the room and was very nice.  He told me that he would have to refer me out, as this was not his specialty. 

Immediately, my gym family rallied around me and said "OH NO SISTER.... IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THIS..."  Okay, maybe not those exact words, but something like that!  I even had a manager at the gym contacting doctors on my behalf.  If you haven't heard me say it before... I love my freakin' gym.

Fast forward to today.  I went to the 2nd doctor and he confirmed what the first doctor said.  However, this doctor took so much more time with me and asked about my activity level.  He said my knee was absolutely bad enough to order a full knee replacement tomorrow; but because I am not currently in pain he wants to hold off as long as possible.  He said he is amazed that I am not in pain 24/7 and that I am able to do the activities that I do now.  He said absolutely no running, no jumping, no long distance walking, no hiking and limited steps.   He said to continue the elliptical, boxing (with limits), and the strength training that I do.  Basically he said to listen to my body and not do things that hurt.  He said when it starts to hurt to take ibuprofen.  When that no longer works he said they will try cortisone shots.  When that no longer works he will inject "oil" in my knee to lubricate between the bones.  When that no longer works... surgery will be the only option.  He could not give me a time frame.  He said it could be next week... it could be 10 years.  He said that I will be the one to make that decision when I can't take the pain any longer. 

All in all, he made me feel a lot better.  I know the surgery is in my future, but knowing that he believes I can continue doing what I am currently doing for even a day longer makes me feel better.  I am ready to prove the world wrong! 

My knee SUCKS.... but I have no one to blame but myself.  I think that is the hardest pill to swallow.  My weight led me to this point in my life.  Having nearly 400 pounds supported on these two knees for so long finally took its toll.  This is all the more reason to continue to fight every day the demons that live inside me.  By demons I am talking about the constant struggle to make good decisions when the bad ones seem more "fun."  The constant struggle to eat chicken instead of cheeseburgers.... and my own new personal struggle.... the urge to fight off stopping at Bella Napoli's for a freakin' apple fritter. 

I am not perfect.  Daily I make mistakes.  But I am sure as hell a lot better than I was yesterday... and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.  It's a process.  I am learning.  I am taking it all in.  Take care of yourselves my friends!