So I know the title can be offensive to some, and that is not my intention. This is how I personally feel. I know I am fat guys. The word doesn't hurt me like it used to. It's just a word. Would it be better if I used the term overweight? Obese? Whatever word you choose to use... it's fine by me. The word fat used to DESTROY me. Some of you reading this may have even called me fat at one time or another in school... yes, I heard you. Yes, you hurt me. Yes, I forgive you.
The other day I stopped at McDonalds. Yes, you heard me correct. I STOPPED AT MCDONALDS. I stopped at McDonalds because I work in different state prisons and HATE using the bathroom there... so I stopped at McDonalds on my way back to my office to use the bathroom. I bought a salad with no freakin' dressing. It wasn't great, but it helped keep me in line for the day even though it was McDonalds.
While there I looked around. EVERY person in the place was extremely overweight. It's pretty common everywhere you turn in America right now for the majority of those around us to be overweight. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't judging anyone at all... quite the opposite. I sympathized with these folks. I wanted to jump up on the counter and scream "YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF FOOD..." Now, don't worry... I didn't do that; but the thought crossed my mind.
I left and went outside. In the parking lot, parked on either side of my car were women sitting in the drivers seats of each of there cars... eating. Eating cheeseburgers and sitting in the drivers seat. Alone. Just the women and the cheeseburgers and whatever else they may have in the car with them. Now, these women could have just been eating in the car in the parking lot because they wanted to enjoy the minute they had alone. They could have been eating alone in the car because they didn't feel like going in. OR they could be eating in the safety of the car(s) because they were the old me. Embarrassed to eat. Embarrassed to be seen. Embarrassed to live. Again, for these ladies... I don't know what the reason was. All I could see was the old Tracy. I saw a lonely person, who was constantly surrounded by others, who constantly laughed... but secretly felt SO ALONE. A lonely person, who quietly accepted her weight as "just the way it is." A lonely girl, who was afraid to eat inside alone because although she was in a loving wonderful relationship.... that lonely girl KNEW that people judged her. I saw the lonely girl who used to wear a ring on her "wedding" finger because she didn't want people to think she was alone. **Yes, this all happened while I was observing in McDonalds in a matter of minutes.**
I can't shake the thoughts this week. Although I have grown so much, I am STILL that girl. That girl tries to push her WEAK face through still to this day. I fight a constant battle to keep pushing forward. It's strange to say that because I love going to the gym. That part is easy. It's fun for me. I feel like I actually belong and fit in (ironically). However, food is my issue. One year ago, I didn't know anything about nutrition... not one thing. Today, I know a little. I say a little because it is still the most confusing thing in the world to me. Maybe because I grew up in the south where gravy is served on everything and sweet tea is the drink of choice. I grew up thinking potatoes and corn were vegetables and that biscuits were encouraged to eat at every meal. I grew up where food was social. You invite everyone to eat. EVERYONE! You show love with food. I like you... I feed you. I don't like you... I feed you. Get it?
Now, when I eat I feel the opposite. I feel judged because I am a big girl eating a salad. I feel judged because I eat 4857394865374 times a day and carry a cooler! HA! Some of this is just me thinking people are judging me. It stems from insecurities I have never ever ever faced.
I have had so many people tell me in the past... "I always admired you because you never felt bad about your weight or let it hold you back." When people said that to me I didn't know if I should cry or congratulate myself. I wanted to cry because it was so far from the truth. It was a lie I even tried to make myself believe. Or should I congratulate myself on pulling it off? I was successful in making people believe I was "just fine."
I don't even know the point of this blog post, but I know for days I have been thinking about the old me vs. new me. I have been thinking about how we raise money for every disease known to man kind, but most of us are killing ourselves with food ... every. damn. day. I wish we could raise money to educate people, specifically children on healthy food choices. I wish we could educate people that eating 700 calories a day and cutting out entire food groups is not going to make you the best you. I wish I could scream from the mountaintops YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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