Setting Goals

So, it's that time of year people make new year's resolutions.  I am both in support of those who set goals, but also realistic that most people forget what they set a goal for by January 5th.  The only harm I see in that, is it sets people up for failure.  People often say "I want to lose weight," but never set up a plan to help facilitate that.  I am GUILTY of the same.  Even though I have been slowly losing weight for about a year and a half now, I still set myself up for failure often.  Example:  recently I set a goal to lose 20 pounds by January 17th (when the next challenge at my gym starts), but that is all I said... "I want to lose 20 pounds by such and such date...."  Guess what?  I am nowhere closer to reaching that "goal" than I was the day I said that was my goal.  Want to know why?  I didn't put any effort into figuring out how I was going to reach this goal.  What my honest and true goal should have been should have been "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week."  THEN I would see results I want.  It's easy when you just say you want to lose weight and set a date to keep saying to yourself, "Oh this cupcake today is fine... I still have five weeks to reach my goal."  But before you realize it, you are doing that every day.  Eventually you throw that goal out the window, because you realize you have F'd up so much that you can't reach that goal by your set timeframe now.  So... just like people and the failed resolutions they make.... my goal is now simply gone as if I never said it.  Where as if I had said, "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week...." I could start over any and every time I failed to reach my goal.  Also I could celebrate making it one day into my goal... I could celebrate having more good days than bad..... etc. 

 

So my advice (if anyone in the world wants it), would be to set goals that are more concrete.  Narrow it down.  Don't just say you "want to lose weight..."  Don't just say you "wan to get healthy..."  Set the goal to something you can measure every day.  AND most of all... do NOT forget your goal.  If you mess up.... dust yourself off and START that second.  Do NOT say "tomorrow....."  If you eat one to many brownies.... go do some exercise and feel better immediately.  It won't "un-do" the deed you did, BUT it will have you feeling better than saying... "Tomorrow...." 

 

My personal goals for 2015 will be posted soon.  I want to talk to my trainer and get some concrete advice on a few things before I write mine in stone....

 

I know for a fact that 2013 changed my life.  2014 showed me I have got what it takes, and 2015.... well you better just watch out.  This girl is NOT playing any longer.  I have come to realize a lot about myself recently.  The number one thing being I have an addiction.  I have a problem... and I need to face it.  Addiction to food is as serious if not more so than a drug addiction.  The sad part about it, is our country accepts our addictions to food as acceptable.... well it's not.... and I am done.  If I have to seek outside help for this problem, 2015 will be the year.  So bring it.

 

Get busy everyone.... set some goals!!!!!!!  You don't have to wait until January 1st to start!

 

And remember... never take yourself too seriously! 

Observations from a formally Fat(ter) person

So I know the title can be offensive to some, and that is not my intention.  This is how I personally feel.  I know I am fat guys.  The word doesn't hurt me like it used to.  It's just a word.  Would it be better if I used the term overweight?  Obese?  Whatever word you choose to use... it's fine by me.  The word fat used to DESTROY me.  Some of you reading this may have even called me fat at one time or another in school... yes, I heard you.  Yes, you hurt me.  Yes, I forgive you.

The other day I stopped at McDonalds.  Yes, you heard me correct.  I STOPPED AT MCDONALDS.  I stopped at McDonalds because I work in different state prisons and HATE using the bathroom there... so I stopped at McDonalds on my way back to my office to use the bathroom.  I bought a salad with no freakin' dressing.  It wasn't great, but it helped keep me in line for the day even though it was McDonalds.

While there I looked around.  EVERY person in the place was extremely overweight.  It's pretty common everywhere you turn in America right now for the majority of those around us to be overweight.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't judging anyone at all... quite the opposite.  I sympathized with these folks.  I wanted to jump up on the counter and scream "YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF FOOD..."  Now, don't worry... I didn't do that; but the thought crossed my mind. 

I left and went outside.  In the parking lot, parked on either side of my car were women sitting in the drivers seats of each of there cars... eating.  Eating cheeseburgers and sitting in the drivers seat.  Alone.  Just the women and the cheeseburgers and whatever else they may have in the car with them.  Now, these women could have just been eating in the car in the parking lot because they wanted to enjoy the minute they had alone.  They could have been eating alone in the car because they didn't feel like going in.  OR they could be eating in the safety of the car(s) because they were the old me.  Embarrassed to eat.  Embarrassed to be seen.  Embarrassed to live.  Again, for these ladies... I don't know what the reason was.  All I could see was the old Tracy.  I saw a lonely person, who was constantly surrounded by others, who constantly laughed... but secretly felt SO ALONE.  A lonely person, who quietly accepted her weight as "just the way it is."  A lonely girl, who was afraid to eat inside alone because although she was in a loving wonderful relationship.... that lonely girl KNEW that people judged her.  I saw the lonely girl who used to wear a ring on her "wedding" finger because she didn't want people to think she was alone.  **Yes, this all happened while I was observing in McDonalds in a matter of minutes.**

I can't shake the thoughts this week.  Although I have grown so much, I am STILL that girl.  That girl tries to push her WEAK face through still to this day.  I fight a constant battle to keep pushing forward.  It's strange to say that because I love going to the gym.  That part is easy.  It's fun for me.  I feel like I actually belong and fit in (ironically).  However, food is my issue.  One year ago, I didn't know anything about nutrition... not one thing.  Today, I know a little.  I say a little because it is still the most confusing thing in the world to me.  Maybe because I grew up in the south where gravy is served on everything and sweet tea is the drink of choice.  I grew up thinking potatoes and corn were vegetables and that biscuits were encouraged to eat at every meal.  I grew up where food was social.  You invite everyone to eat.  EVERYONE!  You show love with food.  I like you... I feed you.  I don't like you... I feed you.  Get it? 

Now, when I eat I feel the opposite.  I feel judged because I am a big girl eating a salad.  I feel judged because I eat 4857394865374 times a day and carry a cooler!  HA!  Some of this is just me thinking people are judging me.  It stems from insecurities I have never ever ever faced. 

I have had so many people tell me in the past... "I always admired you because you never felt bad about your weight or let it hold you back."  When people said that to me I didn't know if I should cry or congratulate myself.  I wanted to cry because it was so far from the truth.  It was a lie I even tried to make myself believe.  Or should I congratulate myself on pulling it off?  I was successful in making people believe I was "just fine."

I don't even know the point of this blog post, but I know for days I have been thinking about the old me vs. new me.  I have been thinking about how we raise money for every disease known to man kind, but most of us are killing ourselves with food ... every. damn. day.  I wish we could raise money to educate people, specifically children on healthy food choices.  I wish we could educate people that eating 700 calories a day and cutting out entire food groups is not going to make you the best you.  I wish I could scream from the mountaintops YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knee Update

So after the Niagara Falls race, I had to see a doctor because the pain was pretty severe and my knee seemed "locked."  My primary doctor brushed the pain off to "over use," but ordered x-rays just as a precaution.  Before I could even drive out of the parking lot of the doctor's office, my primary called to tell me that the technician saw "loose bodies" in my knee and I would need to see an orthopedic.  She referred me out. 

I went to the first orthopedic doctor who was a sports medicine ortho.  He immediately told me that I needed a full knee replacement.  He showed me my x-rays and told me the cartilage in my right knee was completely gone and my knee was infested with arthritis.  I held it together well until he left the room.  Then I started crying so hard... you know the UGLY cry; the one where you can't catch your breath... yep.... that was me.  The doctor came back into the room and was very nice.  He told me that he would have to refer me out, as this was not his specialty. 

Immediately, my gym family rallied around me and said "OH NO SISTER.... IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THIS..."  Okay, maybe not those exact words, but something like that!  I even had a manager at the gym contacting doctors on my behalf.  If you haven't heard me say it before... I love my freakin' gym.

Fast forward to today.  I went to the 2nd doctor and he confirmed what the first doctor said.  However, this doctor took so much more time with me and asked about my activity level.  He said my knee was absolutely bad enough to order a full knee replacement tomorrow; but because I am not currently in pain he wants to hold off as long as possible.  He said he is amazed that I am not in pain 24/7 and that I am able to do the activities that I do now.  He said absolutely no running, no jumping, no long distance walking, no hiking and limited steps.   He said to continue the elliptical, boxing (with limits), and the strength training that I do.  Basically he said to listen to my body and not do things that hurt.  He said when it starts to hurt to take ibuprofen.  When that no longer works he said they will try cortisone shots.  When that no longer works he will inject "oil" in my knee to lubricate between the bones.  When that no longer works... surgery will be the only option.  He could not give me a time frame.  He said it could be next week... it could be 10 years.  He said that I will be the one to make that decision when I can't take the pain any longer. 

All in all, he made me feel a lot better.  I know the surgery is in my future, but knowing that he believes I can continue doing what I am currently doing for even a day longer makes me feel better.  I am ready to prove the world wrong! 

My knee SUCKS.... but I have no one to blame but myself.  I think that is the hardest pill to swallow.  My weight led me to this point in my life.  Having nearly 400 pounds supported on these two knees for so long finally took its toll.  This is all the more reason to continue to fight every day the demons that live inside me.  By demons I am talking about the constant struggle to make good decisions when the bad ones seem more "fun."  The constant struggle to eat chicken instead of cheeseburgers.... and my own new personal struggle.... the urge to fight off stopping at Bella Napoli's for a freakin' apple fritter. 

I am not perfect.  Daily I make mistakes.  But I am sure as hell a lot better than I was yesterday... and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.  It's a process.  I am learning.  I am taking it all in.  Take care of yourselves my friends!

Niagara Falls Marathon (5K)

SOOOOOOOO... the day finally arrived.  The Niagara Falls Marathon, 5K that I was participating in.  This past weekend it was finally time.  After my wonderful friends helped me reach my $500 goal, not only was I going to participate in the race, but I also got to go to a dinner hosted by Remember Betty and Danny Wood from NKOTB.  Even more exciting Opal and Kerry were both making the trip up! 

It was an awesome experience minus two things:  1.  I hurt my knee 2. Kerry was stuck in the US while Opal and I were in Canada :(

I am thankful for the experience, but to date I still have not been able to RUN a 5K.  This was the time I thought it was going to happen, and honestly it was the perfect venue for my first running race.  It was a pretty flat course and very beautiful.  However, my knee did not cooperate.  :(  I actually have an appointment with the orthopedic tomorrow after an Xray on Monday showed some issues.  It took us over an hour to complete the course :(  Before this race I was actually doing a 5K in around 45 minutes.  So, sadly I did not reach my goal... but we did finish the race even with my knee partially locked up. 

At the finish line we had Danny Wood and many team members waiting on us.  It was awesome. 

 

Color Me Rad 2014

So last year I posted a picture of myself after completing the Color Me Rad race.  I vowed in that post that this year (2014) I would not only complete the race, but run it.  Well, sadly that did not happen.  My knee has been bothering me off and on for a few weeks now and I was more concerned that I would hurt myself if I ran this race.  I have the Niagara Falls Marathon 5K to participate in at the end of the month, and I want to be able to run as much of that as possible since it is actually timed (unlike Color Me Rad).  I did however have Kyle take a few pictures of me at the end of this years race, so that I could compare them to last year.  I love progress pictures.  One of the hardest parts about losing weight is to stay encouraged and see your own progress.  Progress pictures help me stay focused on the goal... and see how far I have actually come.  Sometimes seeing pictures helps out so much when the scale is not moving... or you have a bad week... or you aren't eating the way you know you should... it helps!  :)  So here it is.  Color Me Rad 2013 and Color me Rad 2014.  Thank you for following my journey for the past year.  The kinds words from friends and strangers have been overwhelming.  Thank you. Thank you.  Thank you.

Albany Urban Raid

So a friend from the gym (who was in my challenge group earlier in the year) posted a 5K that she was doing and asked others to join. I was one of the first to jump in and join. Not because I was overly excited, but because I knew if I didn't... I wouldn't do it. This wasn't just a 5K (which alone would be a challenge to me), it also involved "obstacles." These obstacles included things such as sand bag carries, tire flips, rope climbs, TU Climb, cargo net, hurdles, marine hurdles... the list continues. In total, 13 obstacles. Surrrrre... let's sign up for THAT. As the race got closer, I honestly felt sick. I was going to attempt it... but my head could not and would not let me accept that I would finish it. BUT, I signed up... so I HAD to give it a shot. Thank GOD for my team. My team was full of amazing people. Most of the people on my team were from my gym. Most of the people were from my challenge team. These are people I feel extremely comfortable around. About two days before the race I sent my team a message saying that I was still doing the race, but I was only doing so if they promised not to stay with me during the race. These women are ATHLETES, they are RUNNERS.... this girl... well, I am just not there (yet). :) THANK THE LORD ABOVE my team did not listen to me. When race day got here... I cried before the race. I was so nervous and just felt defeated before I started. I looked around and saw the people who were racing and I thought WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE.... I wish I could say that I am not insecure about anything... but when it comes to doing physical things I have never attempted, I still find it hard to be 100% comfortable. My team was amazing during this small break down. We even had a few ladies who were on our team that I had not met until that day. One of these women ran 14 miles right BEFORE our race.... Holy crap, right? But these two women were amazing. They treated me so well and really supported me 110%. We walked into the TU Center where the race started and I wanted to honestly vomit. From this view we could see four of the obstacles: The TU Climb, Rope climb, cargo net and Wall. I wanted to run... fake being sick... pass out.... fall down the steps... ANYTHING but start this race... but I had nowhere to run. I was in it.... and no turning back.... It was finally time for our race. We were a loud group! No need to encourage us to be excited ... we did that on our own. Finally our time to start. They sent us off on our way and my team was jogging... we get outside of the TU Center and BAM... straight up a hill. I mean it felt like a freakin 4000 foot mountain to me. It was TOUGH. I didn't make it far before I needed to walk.... and guess what... my team started walking. At first I was mortified... but then and just then I realized... you know what... you started this... you are going to finish it.... that is that. The race continued... up hill... (who knew Albany truly was a mountain, okay... well maybe not... but it sure felt like it). We got to the first obstacle (aside from the obvious hills LOL)... hurdles... okay, I got this... no big deal. Just step... step... step.... okay.... step some more... step... step... step... GOT IT.

Okay, my form isn't great... and I didn't JUMP them... but I got over them... one by one... LOL!  Seriously... I did that exact move on all of them... and we had more later... same move.  Be jealous :)

--Side Note:  Thank you to Bryan who was from our Challenge Team for being a wonderful asset to our team.  He biked the course... took pics and carried important things for people like wedding bands, phones and keys)... oh AND he had an awesome cowbell.

Then we had some more up hill..... and then DOWN hill.  Thank you LORD!  We went for a while and then we were in Washington Park.  Beautiful pool on one side... I was so tempted to go off track... jump in the pool and get picked up later!  But alas, I guess I had to continue.

We got to the sand bags and I honestly was happy.  I wanted to do the sand bags since I signed up for this 5K.  Little did I know the sandbags were straight up a ... you guessed it... HILL. 
We had a small celebration after I finished the sand bag obstacle.

Then more running... or for me... walking.  The next obstacles were after the water station... we had a cargo net crawl (not sure of the actual term), some marine hurdles and tire flips.  I was honestly afraid to do the cargo net crawl because it also included a tube at the end... and I have an irrational fear of getting stuck in tubes (no, not joking at all.... I won't go on water slides because of this).  But I did it.  It was actually one of my favorite obstacles.  The marine hurdles I had to skip... so I had to do pushups instead (booo).  Then the tire flips... then up a small hill back to walking running. 

More hurdles were somewhere in this... by this time we start seeing signs telling us how far away we were from the finish.  Right before the cargo crawl we had 1.5 miles to go.... SCORE... half way... at this point, no matter which way I go.... forwards or backwards I have about the same amount of travel... so onward we go. 

We get to the TU Parking Garage... and there I see Rob and Kyle :)  Unfortunately for them they got to me at a set of obstacles that were not a good one for me :(  Monkey bars, balance strap (I have no clue what to call that thing) and more tire flips. 

Rob and Kyle took the elevator down (not fair) and we took MORE steps .... we were finally back to the TU.... the FUN begins.  I got a Charlie horse the second I went up the first step.  The king of Charlie horse that paralyzes you and makes your toes curl.  Ow. Ow. Ow!  But we kept going.

In the TU they had the TU Climb.... it involved a LOT of steps...up and down and up and down.... and up and down.  Loretta really showed her dancing skills and played Eye of The Tiger during this part.  LOL!

I honestly thought I was at the end for me... my legs were cramped so bad that I thought I would fall at any moment.   Julie, Loretta and Meredith REALLY pushed me here.  So thankful they did.  I made it through all of the steps and then we were at the rope climb.  I am so proud of Meredith for her effort during this obstacle.  She rocked this sooooooo hard!  We had to do some burpees here.... Can I tell you these suck on a normal day... but after being through what we went through I am pretty sure they sucked the most at this point. 

After this we got to pass to the next obstacle... the cargo net.  I was soooo scared, and honestly at the start of the race had decided... I won't do that.... but guess what... my team and the entire TU Center had another idea.... I was going to do it.  So.... here we go....

 

I have always had a bond with the women you see guiding me here.  From the first time I took one of her classes at Vent.  But this moment right here.... something happened.  She honestly holds a place in my heart forever.  I did make it to the top of the cargo net... with about 100 or more strangers cheering me on, but once I got to the very top my Charlie horse wouldn't let me swing my leg over and go down the other side (that looks just like this side)... instead I had to climb back down this same side ... honestly if I could change one thing about the entire day, I would have somehow pushed through the Charlie horse for this .... next year :)  It was at this point that a stranger came over and told me she was a massage therapist and started massaging my calves.  Yep!

 

The final obstacle I wasn't even going to attempt.  At that point I was done.  It had nothing to do with me doubting myself, I was just done.  Again, no one would let that happen.  My entire team was at the last obstacle giving every ounce of help and advice they had.  I attempted the wall... and on attempt one I tried alone.... I couldn't do it.  Then my team tried to help hoist me up... My Charlie horse was raging at this point.... all of a sudden not only was my team there... but several people who were total strangers.  They literally just wanted to pull me over... Honestly the coolest part of the race.  Loretta and Ana were so determined to get me over this wall, and I do feel like I let them down, but I knew at that point, I was risking injury with my leg.  :( 

 

 

In the end, I had to skip this obstacle... we attempted it several times, but I knew enough was enough :(  Sadly, this just wasn't happening....

 

Then everyone was yelling that I had TO CROSS THE FINISH LINE.... Woops.  I honestly thought at this point it was just over :)  Ha! 

 

 

My team and my family were there waiting for me.  Loretta, Julie, and Meredith... you literally held my hand during this race and stood by my side.  I know you guys could have ran circles around me (literally).  Thank you from the bottom of my heart for making this day amazing.  The rest of my team, you were right there by my side too!   Ana, Maygen, Angie and Jen.... you guys are rock stars.  Again, I know you guys could have ran circles around me!  But you guys provided so much support and often were standing waiting for me at some of the obstacles.  I will never forget you guys.  Ever.  Bryan... thank you for all you did for us.  Seriously.

 

 

 

 

To say this past weekend was emotional, is a major understatement.  I still find myself crying.  Crying because I did it.  Crying because I know I can.  Crying because I never knew so many people honestly cared about me.... Not people I have been friends with for life... gym friends.  I have gym friends... THAT makes me laugh.  Honestly, you guys are not gym friends.... you are just friends.  But I like calling you my gym friends :) 

 

Loretta, thank you for organizing this.... getting tshirts made and pushing me!  Thank you for helping me breath and helping me not get injured.  Thank you for literally walking step by step with me.  I honestly can't thank you enough.  I know for sure, I would not have made it through this without you.  THANK YOU.

 

Meredith, I love you.  You know that.  You have been my gym buddy from the start.  I am amazed by you, and look up to you.  Thank you for being in my circle.  I am still so amazed by your skills girl!  :)

 

Julie, your cow bell... your patience.  Thank you.  You again could have ran this race and been home in the time it took me to finish.  I admire you for all the changes you made this year and the success you have had.  You are amazing girl.

 

Maygin, I realized during this how much we are alike.  You kept me laughing all day.  Thank you for being so sweet and kind and encouraging me. 

 

Ana, girl........... the tears.  You fought for me during this race more than I think I fought for myself. You are an amazing trainer.... and amazing person and an amazing friend.  Words can't describe the emotions that came along with this race with you.  Thank you for guiding me and caring so much....

 

Jen and Angie... you girls rock.  I can't believe how well we all meshed.  You girls are amazing athletes.  Keep doing what you do... and I can't wait to do future races together.   

 

Catrina, thank you for checking on me and encouraging me.  Thank you for training me.... thank you for putting up with me (ha).  Thank you for being honest with me.

 

Maya- I know you weren't at the race, but you continue to push me at the gym and guide me. 

 

Will Barry..... I never thought in a million years when I came to Vent that you would know my name.  When you posted on facebook that you would do a race with me... I sat and cried (I do a lot of that lately thanks to your staff.... in a good way).  Your programs at Vent and the people you hire are amazing.  You all have become a huge part of my life and I still feel sometimes like my life is not real.  You all have changed my life. 

 

I honestly can't thank everyone... but I hope you all know how much you mean to me.  Life is good.  Honestly, on my worst days, I am blessed beyond measure.  I thought 2013 was the best year of my life, but 2014 has been pretty freaking awesome :)

It's not always rainbows and butterflies :(

Confession time:  I have having a ROUGH time getting back into the swing of things after being on vacation.  When I got back from Vegas I felt like crap.  I had actually started to feel bad before I left for Vegas and it only got worse. 

I want to go to the gym.  I want to continue this journey, but I feel like it's important to let people know when you are hitting a wall.  I WILL be at the gym tomorrow.  I will not let one more day go by without exercising.  The biggest reason I need to get back in the gym is because I also let my food choices go south FAST.  Good news is I have not been over eating... but I have NOT made great choices.  I gave coffee up when I got back from Vegas because for some reason it tastes like dirty water to me now.  This is a GOOD thing... but today I stopped at Dunkin Donuts and got a freakin' Oreo Coolata???????????  WHAT?????????????  No MORE!  DONE DONE and DONE!

I also have not taken my medication since I got back from my CRUISE!  That was a MONTH ago :(  I have to get back on it.... now.  I haven't been taking my vitamins either.... time to get back to this too.....


On to some positive news.  I survived the flight to Vegas and back to Albany.  Last year when I flew I bought TWO seats out of fear of not fitting and being asked to leave the aircraft.  Truth be told last year I needed those two seats.  I doubt I would have been asked to leave the aircraft, BUT I know I didn't fit the way I should have.  This year, I flew on FULL flights and fit in my seat.  Thank you LORD!  I did still ask for a seatbelt extender, but I think it would have fit without one.  I met to try on my flight home and forgot.... Next time :)


Alright y'all .... that is all I have right now.  I am ready to move forward.  Let's GO!