Setting Goals

So, it's that time of year people make new year's resolutions.  I am both in support of those who set goals, but also realistic that most people forget what they set a goal for by January 5th.  The only harm I see in that, is it sets people up for failure.  People often say "I want to lose weight," but never set up a plan to help facilitate that.  I am GUILTY of the same.  Even though I have been slowly losing weight for about a year and a half now, I still set myself up for failure often.  Example:  recently I set a goal to lose 20 pounds by January 17th (when the next challenge at my gym starts), but that is all I said... "I want to lose 20 pounds by such and such date...."  Guess what?  I am nowhere closer to reaching that "goal" than I was the day I said that was my goal.  Want to know why?  I didn't put any effort into figuring out how I was going to reach this goal.  What my honest and true goal should have been should have been "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week."  THEN I would see results I want.  It's easy when you just say you want to lose weight and set a date to keep saying to yourself, "Oh this cupcake today is fine... I still have five weeks to reach my goal."  But before you realize it, you are doing that every day.  Eventually you throw that goal out the window, because you realize you have F'd up so much that you can't reach that goal by your set timeframe now.  So... just like people and the failed resolutions they make.... my goal is now simply gone as if I never said it.  Where as if I had said, "I am only going to have one "cheat" meal a week; and I am going to go to the gym X amount of hours per week...." I could start over any and every time I failed to reach my goal.  Also I could celebrate making it one day into my goal... I could celebrate having more good days than bad..... etc. 

 

So my advice (if anyone in the world wants it), would be to set goals that are more concrete.  Narrow it down.  Don't just say you "want to lose weight..."  Don't just say you "wan to get healthy..."  Set the goal to something you can measure every day.  AND most of all... do NOT forget your goal.  If you mess up.... dust yourself off and START that second.  Do NOT say "tomorrow....."  If you eat one to many brownies.... go do some exercise and feel better immediately.  It won't "un-do" the deed you did, BUT it will have you feeling better than saying... "Tomorrow...." 

 

My personal goals for 2015 will be posted soon.  I want to talk to my trainer and get some concrete advice on a few things before I write mine in stone....

 

I know for a fact that 2013 changed my life.  2014 showed me I have got what it takes, and 2015.... well you better just watch out.  This girl is NOT playing any longer.  I have come to realize a lot about myself recently.  The number one thing being I have an addiction.  I have a problem... and I need to face it.  Addiction to food is as serious if not more so than a drug addiction.  The sad part about it, is our country accepts our addictions to food as acceptable.... well it's not.... and I am done.  If I have to seek outside help for this problem, 2015 will be the year.  So bring it.

 

Get busy everyone.... set some goals!!!!!!!  You don't have to wait until January 1st to start!

 

And remember... never take yourself too seriously! 

Observations from a formally Fat(ter) person

So I know the title can be offensive to some, and that is not my intention.  This is how I personally feel.  I know I am fat guys.  The word doesn't hurt me like it used to.  It's just a word.  Would it be better if I used the term overweight?  Obese?  Whatever word you choose to use... it's fine by me.  The word fat used to DESTROY me.  Some of you reading this may have even called me fat at one time or another in school... yes, I heard you.  Yes, you hurt me.  Yes, I forgive you.

The other day I stopped at McDonalds.  Yes, you heard me correct.  I STOPPED AT MCDONALDS.  I stopped at McDonalds because I work in different state prisons and HATE using the bathroom there... so I stopped at McDonalds on my way back to my office to use the bathroom.  I bought a salad with no freakin' dressing.  It wasn't great, but it helped keep me in line for the day even though it was McDonalds.

While there I looked around.  EVERY person in the place was extremely overweight.  It's pretty common everywhere you turn in America right now for the majority of those around us to be overweight.  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I wasn't judging anyone at all... quite the opposite.  I sympathized with these folks.  I wanted to jump up on the counter and scream "YOU ARE KILLING YOURSELVES FOR THE SAKE OF FOOD..."  Now, don't worry... I didn't do that; but the thought crossed my mind. 

I left and went outside.  In the parking lot, parked on either side of my car were women sitting in the drivers seats of each of there cars... eating.  Eating cheeseburgers and sitting in the drivers seat.  Alone.  Just the women and the cheeseburgers and whatever else they may have in the car with them.  Now, these women could have just been eating in the car in the parking lot because they wanted to enjoy the minute they had alone.  They could have been eating alone in the car because they didn't feel like going in.  OR they could be eating in the safety of the car(s) because they were the old me.  Embarrassed to eat.  Embarrassed to be seen.  Embarrassed to live.  Again, for these ladies... I don't know what the reason was.  All I could see was the old Tracy.  I saw a lonely person, who was constantly surrounded by others, who constantly laughed... but secretly felt SO ALONE.  A lonely person, who quietly accepted her weight as "just the way it is."  A lonely girl, who was afraid to eat inside alone because although she was in a loving wonderful relationship.... that lonely girl KNEW that people judged her.  I saw the lonely girl who used to wear a ring on her "wedding" finger because she didn't want people to think she was alone.  **Yes, this all happened while I was observing in McDonalds in a matter of minutes.**

I can't shake the thoughts this week.  Although I have grown so much, I am STILL that girl.  That girl tries to push her WEAK face through still to this day.  I fight a constant battle to keep pushing forward.  It's strange to say that because I love going to the gym.  That part is easy.  It's fun for me.  I feel like I actually belong and fit in (ironically).  However, food is my issue.  One year ago, I didn't know anything about nutrition... not one thing.  Today, I know a little.  I say a little because it is still the most confusing thing in the world to me.  Maybe because I grew up in the south where gravy is served on everything and sweet tea is the drink of choice.  I grew up thinking potatoes and corn were vegetables and that biscuits were encouraged to eat at every meal.  I grew up where food was social.  You invite everyone to eat.  EVERYONE!  You show love with food.  I like you... I feed you.  I don't like you... I feed you.  Get it? 

Now, when I eat I feel the opposite.  I feel judged because I am a big girl eating a salad.  I feel judged because I eat 4857394865374 times a day and carry a cooler!  HA!  Some of this is just me thinking people are judging me.  It stems from insecurities I have never ever ever faced. 

I have had so many people tell me in the past... "I always admired you because you never felt bad about your weight or let it hold you back."  When people said that to me I didn't know if I should cry or congratulate myself.  I wanted to cry because it was so far from the truth.  It was a lie I even tried to make myself believe.  Or should I congratulate myself on pulling it off?  I was successful in making people believe I was "just fine."

I don't even know the point of this blog post, but I know for days I have been thinking about the old me vs. new me.  I have been thinking about how we raise money for every disease known to man kind, but most of us are killing ourselves with food ... every. damn. day.  I wish we could raise money to educate people, specifically children on healthy food choices.  I wish we could educate people that eating 700 calories a day and cutting out entire food groups is not going to make you the best you.  I wish I could scream from the mountaintops YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Knee Update

So after the Niagara Falls race, I had to see a doctor because the pain was pretty severe and my knee seemed "locked."  My primary doctor brushed the pain off to "over use," but ordered x-rays just as a precaution.  Before I could even drive out of the parking lot of the doctor's office, my primary called to tell me that the technician saw "loose bodies" in my knee and I would need to see an orthopedic.  She referred me out. 

I went to the first orthopedic doctor who was a sports medicine ortho.  He immediately told me that I needed a full knee replacement.  He showed me my x-rays and told me the cartilage in my right knee was completely gone and my knee was infested with arthritis.  I held it together well until he left the room.  Then I started crying so hard... you know the UGLY cry; the one where you can't catch your breath... yep.... that was me.  The doctor came back into the room and was very nice.  He told me that he would have to refer me out, as this was not his specialty. 

Immediately, my gym family rallied around me and said "OH NO SISTER.... IT'S NOT GOING DOWN LIKE THIS..."  Okay, maybe not those exact words, but something like that!  I even had a manager at the gym contacting doctors on my behalf.  If you haven't heard me say it before... I love my freakin' gym.

Fast forward to today.  I went to the 2nd doctor and he confirmed what the first doctor said.  However, this doctor took so much more time with me and asked about my activity level.  He said my knee was absolutely bad enough to order a full knee replacement tomorrow; but because I am not currently in pain he wants to hold off as long as possible.  He said he is amazed that I am not in pain 24/7 and that I am able to do the activities that I do now.  He said absolutely no running, no jumping, no long distance walking, no hiking and limited steps.   He said to continue the elliptical, boxing (with limits), and the strength training that I do.  Basically he said to listen to my body and not do things that hurt.  He said when it starts to hurt to take ibuprofen.  When that no longer works he said they will try cortisone shots.  When that no longer works he will inject "oil" in my knee to lubricate between the bones.  When that no longer works... surgery will be the only option.  He could not give me a time frame.  He said it could be next week... it could be 10 years.  He said that I will be the one to make that decision when I can't take the pain any longer. 

All in all, he made me feel a lot better.  I know the surgery is in my future, but knowing that he believes I can continue doing what I am currently doing for even a day longer makes me feel better.  I am ready to prove the world wrong! 

My knee SUCKS.... but I have no one to blame but myself.  I think that is the hardest pill to swallow.  My weight led me to this point in my life.  Having nearly 400 pounds supported on these two knees for so long finally took its toll.  This is all the more reason to continue to fight every day the demons that live inside me.  By demons I am talking about the constant struggle to make good decisions when the bad ones seem more "fun."  The constant struggle to eat chicken instead of cheeseburgers.... and my own new personal struggle.... the urge to fight off stopping at Bella Napoli's for a freakin' apple fritter. 

I am not perfect.  Daily I make mistakes.  But I am sure as hell a lot better than I was yesterday... and tomorrow I will be better than I am today.  It's a process.  I am learning.  I am taking it all in.  Take care of yourselves my friends!