"Keep an Eye on your Weight"

So, I went to the doctor today for some issues I am having with my foot.  This is a doctor I have only been to once since I have rarely had issues with my feet.  When I got there, they asked if they could weigh me... I said, "sure."  I am not one to really care if people know how much I weigh.  I then went into the room -- the nurse took my blood pressure... all the "regular" stuff.  Then the doctor came in. Let me first say, I really like this doctor -- she went through my file then said, "Your blood pressure looks great, but you really need to keep an eye on your weight."  😳

I literally wanted to be like, "ohhhh realllllly??????????"  I get that she was just doing "her job," and again, I really do like her -- but I almost unleashed all my frustrations on her.  I AM keeping an eye on it.  I am more than keeping an eye on it... I am obsessed with it.  I am working out.  I am eating "right."  WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME???????????????????  I know she is not a mind reader--but SERIOUSLY.  Today was one of those days I wanted to really just be like -- F it ALL!

On a side note, I probably will need surgery on both of my feet.  On top of my much needed knee replacement, today has left me feeling a little crazy. 

But... at the end of the day, I will just "keep an eye on my weight........................................"

HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You are Worth It

It's taken me three years to fully embrace changing my lifestyle.  Sure, I made gradual changes over time -- but I did not fully embrace true change.  I adjusted my food ... but was mad about it.  I worked out more, but complained about it.  I went through the motions and I was happy with the results -- but part of me knew this was not working for me.  And now I fully know THIS is why I have been in a slump lately with losing weight. I saw everything I did as a chore and a short-term answer when it came to food. 

I wish I could pin-point exactly what has changed with me.  I feel like a new person. Strike that, I AM a new person.    I have done about a million Vent Fitness Challenges (maybe a SLIGHT exaggeration), but this is the first time I am truly loving it.  I am looking forward to pushing myself, because I have ACCEPTED that I am going to give this my all and ENJOY it. GASP!  I know!  This is about more than the challenge.  I am not counting down the days until I eat cookies, pizza and macaroni and cheese.  Sure, those things taste delicious to me -- but they do NOT run my life any longer. 

I am finding enjoyment in cooking (something I haven't really done for myself in TEN years); I am learning to truly fuel my body.  I am learning that my journey is different than every other person I know or on IG, Facebook or any other social media outlet.  I am learning not to compare (this one is hard).  I am learning that if you don't find internal peace -- the weight loss will not change a thing.  I love me today, just like I loved me when I was nearly 400 pounds -- and I will LOVE myself as I lose weight, because I am a good  person, beautiful, strong and caring - regardless of that number on the scale.    I am learning that my goals are not the same as others - and that is okay.  I am learning that I know what is best for me, but I still need advice.  I am learning that stress is not fixed by food.  I am learning that it's okay to sleep in and skip a work out -- AND it won't ruin the progress I have made.  I am learning that I am capable of more than I ever thought.  I am learning that skinny does not equal healthy nor does it equal strong -- I am those things NOW -- but I want to keep it that way, and that DOES mean I need to lose weight. 

Honestly, I wish I knew what clicked.... because I don't ever want to change this feeling.  I cannot imagine food having the power it had over me before.  Trust me when I say, all of the foods that got me to nearly 400 pounds still taste good to me; BUT, they are not worth the happiness I have INSIDE me now.  I will eat those foods from time to time in my life, but right now I am not ready.  They honestly sound unappetizing to me right now -- but I am sure that will change.  BUT, when I am ready to "indulge," it will be for a brief moment and a small amount.  I will never be the girl that eats in hiding again.  2017 has been the best year of my personal life when it comes to truly getting to the bottom of my obesity and what got me here.  I am ready to move on.  And that is simply amazing.

Whether I win this challenge or not -- you will see a different person at week 12 than you do right now at week 4.  I am learning more and more about myself EVERY day, and I love it.

You are worth the change you make in life.  You are more than FOOD.  Your are more than the number on the scale.  You are beautiful.  You are amazing.  You are WORTH IT!