When I started this entire "get healthy" venture, I really only focused on moving my body more. It helped tremendously. I found things I loved and was able to rule out things that just were not for me (let's just say Namaste is not my thing). In that time I met great people who supported me, and truth be told a couple of people I have met in this process are now what I consider best friends.
Along this path, several people have planted seeds of information in me about nutrition. I would listen, and maybe even "try" it out for a bit. But it would be short lived. Looking back, I can see why. I used food as my comfort. I got lost in my food. If I had a good day -- food was there. If I had a bad day, guess what -- food was there. Food is my drug. Let that truly sink in. Something I need every day is something I cannot be trusted with.
I recently attended a forum where a guest speaker spoke about his experience in long term recovery. When I say the words "long term recovery," most people think of substance abuse. I know I did. But his words hit me so hard. He said something along the lines that an addict will think of a million reasons that they shouldn't do something, but can make one excuse as to why they should, and immediately they have made the decision that those other million reasons do not matter. Even if one of the reasons that an addict doesn't want to do something is that the outcome could be death. He also spoke about how he as an addict always said, "this is the last time," or "on Monday I will stop." Say what.......................................................................... THIS IS MY LIFE. Just my drug of choice is not illegal.
My drug of choice is available in reaching distance every minute of my life. I face my drug of choice every time I walk into a store, a friend's home, my home, and the gym. My drug of choice is food. Now, many of you may be thinking that I am crazy, but I promise you I am not. This isn't about overeating. This isn't about having one more brownie than you should. I wake up thinking about it and I go to bed thinking about it. I will do anything to get my fix. I will lie, I will hide and I will hide the evidence. I can't tell you in my lifetime how many times I have been through a drive-thru and ordered my food with two drinks -- because I didn't want anyone to think the food was for just me. How many times have I eaten before going somewhere where I knew food would be provided? How many times have I eaten until I physically was ill. And I always had excuses:
- I've been working hard... I deserve this.
- This is just a treat.
- I'm only eating this one last time.
- It's not that much food.
- Tomorrow will be better.
- No one will know.
- It's just food.
- I'll exercise more tomorrow.
I could go on and on. But, if you have ever talked to someone who had a substance abuse issue -- the excuses are all the same.
I am thankful the gym allowed me to halt the weight gain, but I cannot believe how hard I worked in the gym and what "little" results I got. Some may say "100 pounds is not a little," but trust me when I say, if I wasn't binge eating in the time I was at the gym, my results would be completely different.
Something in December hit me like a ton of bricks. I do not need food to comfort me. I do not need food to be my friend. I have WONDERFUL supports. My family, friends, co-workers, and gym acquaintances offer more comfort to me than I will ever find in food. I deserve better in life, and I cannot continue to make excuses. I love pizza. I love cheeseburgers. I love macaroni and cheese, but I cannot be trusted with them. I cannot have just a little and walk away. And, I have to be okay with that. Maybe one day I can eat these types of foods in moderation, but today is not that day.
So, since the start of the year I have been cooking more (I know, I am shocked too). The food has been good. But, it's food that nourishes my body. I do not eat and feel bad afterwards. I do not eat and have stomach aches. I eat for what I am planning on doing that day. I am also tracking and weighing all of my food. I am not estimating what I think a portion is. I am eating an actual portion. And I am more than surviving. I have NEVER felt better. I have survived without CHEESE and didn't even realize it. I still eat delicious food. But food is not my comfort any longer.
So, I am telling the world right now, I will not be stopped. Do not stand in my way.
